I've allowed some f-cked up shit. I've done some f-cked up shit. And at the core of it all was my wounding... Not realizing I was enough. Not realizing anyone even noticed me. And not realizing that certain things were even unhealthy.
And I'm sure at the core of what anyone did to me are similar truths.
Regardless, I've always wanted to "be good" and love well. However, the definition of those things have changed so much over the years and I feel more and more free through these changes. I'm currently learning that, for me, to "be good" just means to be as true to myself in the moment I live in as I know how to be. And to "love well" is to really know how to stand up for, defend, and truly care for myself. It goes so much deeper than the "I bought myself something nice" kind of care, even though that has its place too. It's the "I speak to myself well; I understand my emotions and allow them to exist, but don't make all of my decisions because of them" kind of self-care.
For a long time the shame I felt for the things I thought I had done wrong crushed me. And it didn't feel good to face them, or heal them, or even allow them to exist. Instead I accepted punishment from others because I just knew I deserved it. I was already beating myself up for every flaw or perceived failure anyways, so I felt that I might as well allow my external world to match my internal one. Or I would just do what I could to avoid the feelings wrapped around the events that caused self-loathing, shame, and guilt. I felt like Venom, you know, I knew something foreign was taking over, but I felt like it was somehow my duty to carry it. Very much a duality of "which good outweighs which evil".
It wasn't and it's not my duty to carry the could have, should have, would haves. And I thank God that I learned my way out of that mess, and in some ways I still get to learn and grow and heal. I always will. We all always will. It's beautiful and crushing and exciting and even unpredictable at times. But it's worth it. Showing up for myself is always worth it.
The moments I've had the biggest impact have been the moments I was just showing up for myself. Allowing myself to operate from a space of "who do I want to be right now?" I've been understanding, I've been strong, strict, gentle, nurturing... And I didn't even realize the impact being true to me held until much later.
The beauty in everything that's been done to me, everything I've allowed, or everything that I've done is that I get to choose something different now and every moment after for forever. I've dated the same kind of guy over and over for years; but now I choose to date different types of men. I've had the same coping mechanisms for years: drugs, drinking, shaming, avoiding... But now I choose to show up for myself, allow myself to have strong feelings, be a colorful human, and stay true to my values anyways.
My roommate said something beautiful the other day, she said "I may not know exactly what you've been through, but I do know pain." And from that place I do know how to see pain and teach a new way of living inside of a world that offers pain, as well as, health, happiness, wholeness and healing.
So even inside of all of my own humanness, I still choose to show up. I will do better when I know better. I will love hard, no matter the return; and share a safe space with others to receive the same energy and healing that I have. ❤️
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With love to all you dolls.