Forgetting how...

DISCLAIMER: This story may have triggering subjects for those dealing with PTSD caused by abuse. If you're struggling mentally please seek help. Your brain is just as important as your heart and needs professional care like any other part of your body.

Welcome reader. Please give me a moment of your time to explain why I'm writing this and what its purpose is. Life is a struggle for a lot of people and we all find ways to fight through it. One of the ways that I claw back control of my life is through writing. Given a healthy mind, I write for my own enjoyment and that of others. This isn't one of those times. This is my way to fight back. If you're not interested please move along. If you are please understand this is for me and not you. Now let us continue.

Have you ever tried to remember how to walk? Or tried to explain to someone else how to walk? How to think? How to breathe? If you haven't, try explaining to yourself how you do things and you'll quickly find that you don't know. Now obviously we all know how to do most of these things just fine. The act itself isn't what's important here. It's the fact that it is automatic. Many of the rather complex things we do on a daily basis are automatic. Well, what if you learned to walk wrong? Or more to the point, learned to think wrong? So many things go on behind the eyes that no one else could ever be aware of. Your thoughts are your own kingdom or reality that no one else has any direct influence over. You're the undisputed queen/king/ruler of your mind. But what if you're doing it wrong? What if you're hurting your kingdom? Hurting your mind through the way you use it? How would you know? And how could you trust someone else to tell you the right way?

This is what my PTSD is like for me. I was abused as a child. I was forced to think in abusive ways. I was punished when I didn't punish myself for things that weren't wrong. So I learned to punish myself. It hurt less when I just did it first. It was safer that way. Stay a mile away from the cliff of possible wrongdoing and you'll be safe. That is how I think. How can I stay safe? From what you might ask? Nothing. I run from fears that aren't there. I turn inward to escape from the demons that aren't there. I hope this makes no sense to you because it really shouldn't. My triggers aren't important and also not things that I want publicly known because they shatter my brain and halt any efforts on my part to live happily. I don't know how to make them not triggers yet but I'm working on it.

The point is the other day I had a PTSD event. To everyone else, it was just a normal night. Nothing bad happened and given the definition of normal nothing bad did happen. For me, it was a completely different night. After the shattering moment where my thoughts turned into broken glass I couldn't function for hours. I couldn't talk besides simple reactionary responses. I couldn't explain what was going on. My brain was busy abusing itself. Stuck in loops of horrible and damaging thoughts. I kept asking my partner what I did wrong. Not because I actually thought I did something wrong but because I was trying to explain to my partner that I was 8 or 9 years old again. I'm gonna stop there because any more explaining and I'll be back there again. I hope that doesn't make sense to you. If it does I'm sorry you went through something that causes that to click with you, you're not alone though and there is hope.

You see my brain was taught and trained to respond in a way that made my abuser happy. Mainly that I was suppressed, quiet, and compliant. However, now that I'm older and I know that's wrong my brain is at war with itself. The me that I am now wants the most out of life. I want to explore and experience the world. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to be suppressed and quiet. Not quite there with wanting to be non-compliant. That's still too scary but I'm gaining ground every day. However the other side of me. The side that got me through the abuse says that's not the correct way to think or react. Most of the time it stays quiet because it can only take control through my overactive fight or flight reaction also known as triggers. When it does take over it assumes I did something to deserve what happened and what I'm feeling. You can probably figure out why from what I've already said. That's why I was talking about learning to think wrong. To a healthy mind, this should make no sense. I shouldn't feel guilty, I shouldn't feel scared, I shouldn't feel trapped, and I for sure shouldn't feel like abusing myself will make me feel better. But that's what my brain is telling me because I learned to think wrong.

So here I am, tired, beaten, sore and scared. My body aches from being tensed up like a rock for hours. I'm tired because I didn't sleep. I closed my eyes and then opened them. The night had passed during that blink but my brain didn't skip an abusive beat and just started up with the same thought that I had before I "slept". My thoughts are mostly my own again but there are still some invaders. I'll crawl back to my mental throne and rule with dignity, respect, and mercy here soon. I will sit proudly again. I will care for my mind again. I will repair the damage caused by this last fight. I will build better defenses for when the invasive thoughts return. I will win this war. Because no matter what as long as I don't give up my throne no one can take it from me. This is my mind, my life, my future and I'm not giving up this burnt and damaged wasteland of a mindscape to anyone or anything. This is my kingdom and I will heal it!

If anything here resonated in your head and maybe caused an epiphany in your mind. Please reach out for help. Here is a link to the national PTSD help center. Also a link to my therapist who has helped me come as far as I have. Please take care of yourself. Our minds make up so much of who we are and to ignore its cries for help is to invite ruin into your life. So please get help if you think or if others think you might need it. Don't take the risk of learning bad automatic behavior.