'For 13 years, my husband sexually abused me...and I had no knowledge.'

We've recently heard a lot about powerful guys taking advantage of vulnerable women. In Parliament House, our high courts, and big business, there is sexual harassment and abuse.

But what about the other kind, the one we're not aware of? Most victims are unaware they are victims of this insidious, concealed abuse until it is too late. It's from the one person you should be able to rely on. The one who is intended to care for you and protect you.

My partner

I was raised in a patriarchal Christian household where respectable women married and had children. My family was a conventional white nuclear family, with my father working full-time and my mother raising the children while working part-time.

We lived in the suburbs, attended public school, participated in weekend sports, and attended scouts and guides. The Great Australian Dream was this ideal nuclear family life.

My societal indoctrination, on the other hand, did not prepare me for my real-life adventure.

I'd heard a little bit about domestic violence before, but mainly in the context of the classic "wife basher" who disheartened women with bruises and broken bones.

That was something that happened to "other people" who should be pitied, such as the poor, foreigners, and people of different beliefs. It didn't happen to good white middle-class people. I didn't realize how pervasive domestic violence might be. Then I met my future husband.

We collaborated on this project. He chose me because I was sympathetic, and he told me a sob tale about how he was stuck with his "terrible ex" because he had nowhere else to go. I was instantly sucked in. Our romance progressed quickly, and we moved in together just a few months after our first date.

Because his "crazy ex" had seized all of his money, I quickly paid off all of his bills and defaults and bought him a car. Those were all enormous red signals that I was dating an abusive narcissist in retrospect, but I didn't realize what a healthy relationship was at the time. I had never heard of a narcissist before. I was unfamiliar with the terms narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

I was duped by his love bombing because I believed it was genuine. When you're young and naive, it's difficult to see through the narcissist's façade. He was pushing for me to get pregnant within three months of us living together. I didn't recognize this as a form of control.

Before we were married, we were subjected to abuse

His first move in gaining control of me was isolating me from my support system. We relocated to a different city, far away from my relatives. I didn't recognize anyone there. We found a home, and everything looked to be in order. It wasn't, though.

I had dark eyes and had my hands around my throat in no time. My buddies advised me to flee, but I pretended it was an accident and stayed. He enticed me back in with the standard narcissistic abuse script: it was an accident, lots of ostensibly serious apologies, and pledges to attend anger management.

When he made a rude remark, he would say it was "only a joke" at other times. It got to the point where I believed it. He even cried as he told me about his elder brother sexually abusing him as a child, and solicited the help of his mother to assure me that he wasn't serious.

Then there was the matter of sex. There's a lot of make-up sex. I'm already thinking about the next excuse.

I had no idea this was a case of sexual assault. You're probably unaware that this is a case of sexual abuse. When he got out of the shower and put his penis in my face, I laughed it off at first. I was moderately offended when he said "I love you," and if I didn't react right away, he'd say it again and again until I said, "I love you too." (Now he does it to our children.)

However, this was the beginning of a 13-year period of growing abuse. This is how these types of criminals continue to get away with their crimes. They keep it in a locked room. They have a long list of well-rehearsed justifications for why it was an accident or a joke. To the outside world, they look to be "nice guys." No, they aren't.

How to get ready to leave an abusive relationship in a safe manner

Make contact with a specialist

To speak with a trained support services worker, call the Domestic Violence Line at 1800 65 64 63 or 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732. They can assist you in developing a strategy to escape safety, explaining how to obtain an AVO, and arranging emergency housing. Speak with your local police station's Domestic Violence Liaison. Consult an attorney to learn more about your legal options.

Make a strategy

Even if you've been cut off from your friends and family, strive to reconnect with them. Someone is always willing to assist. You're not the only one who feels this way. If at all feasible, prepare an emergency bag containing clothing, legal documents, and cash. If you are unable to keep it at home, enlist the help of a friend or family member. Have a backup plan in place that your support network is aware of. Make plans with family and friends to have a safe place to go.

Save some money

Apply for a credit card or a hidden bank account to hide some money. Account statements should not be sent to your home address. Also, if you need to access your account online, try to do so in a location where your abuser won't be able to see it. Keep in mind that they may be tracking your internet activities and locations. Many banks and financial institutions also provide aid to victims of domestic violence.

Make a note of everything

Regardless of how terrible it may be, make a note of every episode of abuse. Take photos of any injuries or property damage. Keep your medical records on hand in case you need to apply for an AVO, seek custody, or get a divorce.

Leave when it's safe to do so

If you don't have to leave right away, attempt to wait until your abuser has been gone for a few hours. You are not required to leave a letter explaining your departure. Request an Uber or a ride from a trusted friend or family member. If you think you're in danger, you can also phone the cops to come to get you.

Source: NSW Government Communities and Justice

This "nice bloke" façade is one of the reasons why victims aren't believed

How often have you heard it used as an excuse after another woman has been murdered by her partner/ex-partner? The rhetoric of the "nice bloke who went too far."

Victims are frequently advised that they are overreacting after sharing their facts. "It can't be that horrible," my family assured me. People advise you to seek marriage counseling in order to resolve a problem that is thought to be multifaceted.

My husband had me in his hands by making me doubt my own reality. As I lost my sense of self and ignored my own ideas, emotions, and responses, the abuse became routine. I was mistaken, and everyone else was correct.

These truths are not welcome in the world. People are irritated by the fact that what they perceive outside the relationship is not the reality.

But my experience, like every other story, needs to be aired in order to show vulnerable people that this behavior is not common or acceptable.

A caveat for the "men are victims, too" crowd: My experience was with a male offender, as is the case with the majority of domestic violence instances, but similar behavior may be perpetuated by both men and women. Get help and gather proof if you see any strange behaviors in your relationship. Take pictures, make recordings, and tell your doctor what's going on. It might mean the difference between life and death.

My husband did not rape me in the traditional sense of the word.

He didn't suffocate me and shove his penis inside of me like on SVU. It was more subtle, like the frog in hot water simile — it began off lukewarm and gradually increased in temperature until the frog (me) didn't realize it was going to boil.

It began with small gestures, such as waving his penis in my face while I was engaged in other activities. It progressed to denigrating me on a regular basis, as well as using guilt trips as a typical approach. "I want to rape you," he said, putting his hand down my pants as foreplay. I was a "nasty bitch," "a prude," or "a horrible wife" if I didn't want to have sex.

I was expected to offer him sex like a good wife on his birthday, our anniversary, or just because he'd had a bad day. If he'd had a few drinks, the belittling would generally turn into hour-long tirades of verbal abuse, interspersed with little acts of physical abuse like flicking me with a tea towel or slamming me against the wall as he walked off to sulk. It became worse after we had children.

He was often requesting oral sex. I told him I didn't enjoy doing it, and I explained why, over and over. That was, however, the incorrect response. He'd go into yet another rant about how everyone does it, and how a good wife does it. The guilt trips began almost immediately, and the storm-off-and-sulk routine was commonplace. My head was pushed into his groin by him. To avoid an argument, I would occasionally give in. Flowers or chocolates would arrive the next day. I had no idea that was a form of coercion.

I had no idea it was coercive rape until it was pointed out to me. He made it seem like it was my wife's responsibility to look after him.

Because I didn't do anything all day and he did, it was also my wife's responsibility to do all the housework. In actuality, I worked full-time with regular overtime, whereas he worked part-time. He did start at 5 am but was home by 12. As a nurse, I was assigned to night duty on a regular basis.

He also frequently body-shamed me. If I were on my period, he would call me filthy, horrible, and shudder and make disgusting noises. He'd whine about how unfair it was that he couldn't have sex with me. He'd also threaten to never touch me again if I ever "let myself go."

He would complain about having to wait a few weeks and the need for condoms after I had children. He'd hiss at me, telling me not to strain my vagina. He wished for a ceiling mirror. I didn't do it.

He learned new techniques as time went on. He would violently masturbate on me if I said no. His aggression grew to the point where I was afraid to say no.

His physical advantage was enormous, as he was over a foot higher than me

Then he threatened to cheat because if I didn't do it, he'd have to "get it somewhere else." Finally, he threatened to take his own life. I now know that this is a common narcissistic abuser control method, but I didn't know it at the time.

That was the final straw when I discovered a huge kitchen knife under the mattress. I moved into the living room, but he continued to demand. I slept on the couch for the entirety of my pregnancy.

And what about the kitchen knife? That was for masturbating by making holes in the mattress. When I discovered used condoms and sticky residue around the perforations, I realized what they were.

He said he was making the bed when he finally moved out, believing he was being domineered by leaving me with nowhere to sleep. I was relieved to see it leave. To avoid his abuse, I slept on the couch for three years.

My husband's mother threatened me and requested that I take down the ADVO because I had "gone too far." Males getting drunk and violent, she asserted, is "simply what men do." I'm still curious as to what she's been through to believe that abuse is typical. I can't say I didn't believe it for a long time. How many other women share this viewpoint?

Why don't more women come forward? Because we aren't taken seriously. We are blamed and treated as victims. The system that is supposed to support us only pushes us to the margins. The folks you're supposed to call for assistance don't come through. Everything goes unpunished for the abusers and their enablers.

The most difficult part for me right now is that he is using family court to maintain his power.

Our children are being used as pawns in his game, and the system is allowing it. Years of violence are irrelevant since our children are entitled to a "meaningful relationship," and they tell me that abusive husbands are not abusive fathers.

My years of abuse aren't counted because he was never charged. He manipulates my children, so they don't say anything. Every time I have to deal with him or the legal system, my PTSD is triggered again and again. My tale has to be told over and over again. Even though I've been divorced for three years, I'll never be rid of him.

Because we are in family court, I am unable to identify myself or my children for fear of influencing the proceedings. But I'm not going to be quiet any longer. Take a look at my narrative. Look for the red flags. And if any of it pertains to you, get out of here as soon as possible. And if there's one thing I can advise you on, it's to keep him charged, no matter how difficult it is. It's especially important if you have children.