Food Struggles

I grab a fistful of fries and stuff it in my mouth. In my other hand I hold the burger. I shove it in my mouth violently. I feel a tear rolling down my cheek. The urge to eat was too strong and I couldn't deny it. I hate myself. Why can't I control myself? Why can't I stop? I'll be better tomorrow. I won't eat tomorrow and I'll spend the day at the gym working off all of these calories.

It's the next day. It's about 2pm and I haven't eaten anything. My stomach is empty and growling. I hear the noise and I feel the pain. I walk to the kitchen. I'm hungry, but I tell myself no. I gave in yesterday and it only made me feel worse. I promised myself I'd be good today. I'll eat a small salad for dinner tonight. I need to lose weight. I'll be happy once I lose weight.

I make a small salad for dinner. It's the first thing I've eaten all day. It's the first thing I've eaten after four hours, exercising at the gym.

As I eat my salad I scroll through instagram. I see skinny models in bikinis with perfect bodies. I lift my shirt and look in the mirror. I don't look like that. I want to look like that. But all I can think about is food. Why do I have such little will power? My friend texts me and asks if I want to go out for breakfast with her tomorrow. "Can't." I reply. I did good today, I have to be good tomorrow too.

I woke up, went to the gym and ate a salad for lunch. Now it's 10pm and I'm starving. I feel the urge to eat rise inside me. I try to push it down but it won't leave. My jaw begs to bite down on something. My mouth wants to be filled with sweetness and flavor. My head hurts. It's being pulled in two completely different directions. I want to lose weight but all I can think about is filling my mouth up with food.

I browse food delivery options. I place a few things I want in my cart. No. Stop. You will regret this! I close the app and throw my phone down. The urge to eat only grows and grows until it's the only thing I hear in my head. It overpowers me and any sense of logic I have. It takes over my brain and I can't think about anything but food. Before I can talk myself out of it I hurriedly order my food. When it comes I grab it and race back inside. The food is all I can see. This isn't hunger. This urge is something stronger. I tear open the packaging. Thank goodness no one is here to see this.

I've ordered four sides, one full meal, and three dessert items. I grab the closest thing I find and shove it in my mouth. Buffalo wings. I barely chew so I can swallow everything faster. I grab the next thing. Mac n cheese. Next. Cheese fries. Next. Chicken nuggets. I feel full. I feel stuffed. I feel guilty. I feel gross. Next, burger. Next, more fries. Next, brownie. Next, cookie. Next, cupcake. I'm uncomfortably full. It hurts to move. I hate myself. Why couldn't I control myself? Why couldn't I stop? I've already eaten so much, but I want to eat more... I might as well, I've already made the mistake of giving in, now there's no point in holding back. I open the fridge and grab two slices of bread. I smother them in peanut butter. As I halfheartedly chew I tell myself, Today will be the last day this happens. I cry as I curl up in my bed because I know it's a lie.

This was my everyday. I lived like this. Constantly hating myself. It was torture. I felt guilty and ashamed and horrible. I would avoid friends so that I could eat alone, so that no one would have to watch me uncontrolably stuff my face. No one around me knew this was happening to me, so no one around me helped. When I tried reaching out to friends and family, explaining to them that something didn't feel right, I was brushed aside. "Everyone likes food. It's normal to eat." "You don't have anorexia so it's not an eating disorder." "You can't be addicted to food." "Just be healthier. Eat healthier." "That's not a disorder, you just need to control yourself." "I like to eat food too, everyone does."

For a while I believed everyone who told me it was normal. I kept beating myself up for not being able to stop binging everynight. I didn't understand why I couldn't stop if it was "so normal" like I had been told. It's not normal. It took me a very long time to find a therapist who took my concerns seriously and helped me find therapy that specialized in eating disorders. I found a support group and started vocalizing my struggles. I found the reason and root beneath my urges to eat and binge. With help, I was able to slow down my binge episodes. I stopped binging on a regular basis and it gets easier everyday.

Before my recovery journey, when I thought of eating disorders I thought of skinny people with anorexia or bulimia. Those were the only two eating disorders I knew of. Binging on food wasn't an eating disorder, it was just labeled as not having self control. The thing is I have very good self control. My whole life I prided myself on my self control. Friends and familly constantly told me I had a lot of self control. And I knew I did, surrounding everything else, but not when it came to food. I was constantly beating myself up for not having the strength to stop myself before I spiralled out of control. I knew I had remarkable self control, so why was it, when it came to food I lost all control? Nobody around me was struggling with food the way I was.

This disorder is a disorder that was, in my experience, brushed aside very often. I needed help and I couln't find it. I told friends and family but they belittled my feelings. Even therapists and doctors brushed my confessions aside, telling me I just had to eat healthier. All I have to say to someone who experienced this is: Trust Yourself.

Before I was diagnosed, I knew something was wrong. My relationship with food was not healthy and I could feel it. When I tried telling friends and family, they just didn't understand. They couldn't wrap their minds around what it felt like to feel an urge so strong that you couldn't stop yourself even though you wanted to. It's not something that can be controlled or ignored if you don't discover the emotions and thoughts you think before you feel the urge to eat. It's easiest to make these discoveries with the help of a therapist or doctor. An unhealthy relationship with food is not fun, please seek help. Reach out to NEDA, they can help.

I'm telling my story in the hopes of bringing awareness. Eating disorders come in various different forms, intensities and for many different reasons. If someone confides in you, don't discredit their experiences.

I am currently still working on my relationship with food and balanace. Thanks for reading. :)