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Fixing Myself #1: Intro

Assuming, of Course, We Need Fixing

By Lewis WilsonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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*googles Mental Health* *takes second picture*

In the interest of trying to look after myself and have an open conversation about life, mental health and everything else, I've decided to also dedicate part of this Vocal account to talking about my experiences as a young man coping with anxiety and depression, among being autistic. I know, right? What a delightful cocktail.

But after realising that sharing this info on Twitter and waiting for it to manifest in manic breakdowns resulting in me pushing away people I care about might be unhealthy (who'd have thunk it?), I'm working on finding better outlets for it. And my mum suggested forming some sort of blog, to just talk about things. To just type away, and see what manifests.

I, for one, figure it can't hurt to give it a try. So, let's begin. As I type this, it's Tuesday, August 21. I'm sat in the living room of my grandparents' flat, and I honestly don't really feel here. I've not been able to be as energetic and passionate as my family usually expects of me, and I seem unable to develop any form of passion or interest. I've felt, for lack of a better term, on auto-pilot; as if I'm just living through my life without passion, without feeling, just existing. It's kinda scary, looking back, seeing the hours I've spent in this quaint little seaside town meld together without feeling impactful in any way.

I dunno what the term is, here. I dunno if the sertraline I'm prescribed is supposed to help this. I dunno if it actually has anything to do with my anxiety or depression. I dunno if this is a sign of a completely different mental illness or something. I don't know. And, in all honesty, not knowing is the scariest part of having poor mental health. Having to fight against your brain, having to move past the scary thoughts you have every night, despite never being able to escape them. Nobody can escape their own thoughts, after all, so if your thoughts are against you, you're already fighting a massive uphill battle. It's scary not having anywhere you can hide, really.

The best we (and forgive me for speaking on behalf of other people, but I can only assume I'm not the only person who feels this way) can do is to distract ourselves from these thoughts. But sometimes that manifests in harmful ways, too. I caused a massive uproar in a group chat I was a part of, once, through basically being too manic to step back and realise what I was doing was genuinely harmful. And yet, it's not the first time I've done stuff like that, and I worry that it probably won't be the last.

I know how pressured I make myself feel in regards to acting good. In fact, a perfect relationship I had going with a wonderful woman I had to call off because of my own depression, terrifying thoughts, and the pressure I felt I was putting on the both of us with my low moods. In some ways, I hope we could patch things up, one day. When I'm in a better mental state and feel like I put less unintentional pressure on her to make me happy. But, for now, it really is affecting every aspect of my life.

I don't say any of this for sympathy. I say this to hope that someone out there knows they're not alone with all this shit, and to hopefully use this website as a healthy outlet for my emotional instability. Join me for the ride, won't you? It'll be a bumpy one, but are we even surprised?

depression
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About the Creator

Lewis Wilson

A writer, gamer, film-enthusiast and fan of multimodality

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