Five Things I Learned From a Bipolar Relationship

My first serious relationship was with a person who had bipolar disorder. At the beginning, she had yet to be diagnosed, but at the constant urging of me and other people, she finally sought help. She was diagnosed, and to be honest I don't remember much of what happened after that. We broke up soon after, but I'll spare the details. This was before I had been diagnosed, so for most of the relationship, there were two rather explosive bipolar people trying to have a normal life.

Years later, now that I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 instead of just depression, I have come to recognize some of the things that made our relationship a battlefield happening in my own head. Thankfully for me, and for my partner, the recognition means that I can diffuse the situation before it becomes toxic. These are five things I learned about having a healthy relationship with bipolar disorder from having a bipolar relationship.

1. They probably aren't angry with you.

There is research to suggest that people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder have a more difficult time identifying emotions than the average person. In my previous relationship, I was under constant scrutiny as to how I was feeling or what I was thinking. This put an enormous amount of pressure on me because I was, for the most part, not thinking anything sinister. I was just... existing. Fast forward to now, I feel myself assuming a lot of things. Sometimes without a particular reason, I feel like everyone is angry with me. Either that or that they aren't okay with something is wrong. So I will go all day asking "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?" or "Are you angry with me?" Unfortunately, this completely backfires because after a certain amount of questions the person, who was feeling fine before, is now feeling angry with me because I've been asking them what's wrong.

The Fix: If you start to feel like this, what helps me is to rephrase the questions. Instead of the above, trust the person who you know loves you and say, "I am having this feeling again and I know it might just be me, but I need to ask to make myself feel more at ease; Is everything okay?" This will let the person know why you are asking, and that you are not processing things normally. It blocks that annoying feeling where you ask a hundred times and lets them know that you just need an honest answer.

2. They are not out to get you.

Another problem I had in my last relationship was that she was constantly afraid I was doing things on purpose to piss her off or harm her. In reality, a dropped glass was just a dropped glass. Forgetting the keys was just forgetting the keys. But these little things that happen to people for no reason every day were the catalyst to huge arguments because she genuinely believed that I was doing things with malice and I knew for sure things were just accidental. Now, I recognize these feelings in myself. My other half can be innocently rolling around in bed trying to get comfortable and I will honestly believe she's doing it to piss me off or try to wake me up. The good thing is that I recognize that this isn't based in reality.

The Fix: If you start to feel paranoid about the other person purposefully doing things to screw with you, try to identify what is happening. Did they not put gas in the car as an out-of-the-blue f*** you, or did they forget because it was late and they were tired? This is another time to be open with them. Instead of getting angry, be honest. Tell them, "I'm feeling sort of paranoid right now and I realize that you have no reason to be doing this, but I need to ask; that ______ that you did made me feel like you wanted to upset me. What really happened?" This again lets them know you are having harmful thoughts that may not be based in reality and allows them to give you the comfort of an open answer without creating an argument.

3. All Those Little Lies They Tell

This one was particularly hard for me to learn. In my previous relationship I was accused of all sorts of things. Lying was one of the main ones. Why had I told her I took the food out of the freezer when I hadn't? Why did I lie about how many schools I'd been to as a child? Why did I hide the fact that I napped from her? Why did I tell her I was going to the grocery store and then go other places? What was I doing in that time? To me it all seemed so unnecessary. In fact, it was very emotionally abusive. My time and thoughts were not my own, all to make sure I stuck to exactly what I said so I didn't have any other details to forget in my recap of events. But, like I've said before, I now recognize these feelings in myself.

This one was particularly hard for me to learn because, obviously, the other person isn't lying. Small details are forgotten all of the time. So I forgot what I spent 45 minutes talking about when I was on the phone with my mom. Who cares? But in paranoia, you do care. Every second could be other people plotting against you, trying to ruin you, complaining about you, talking down about you. Which, in turn, may be why they lie. So while most of the time the lies are not real, and are rather just oversights and forgotten details, some lies are real. When the lies are real, that's when you need to be concerned. Not with them, with you. If they feel like they have to lie and tell you they haven't napped when they did, they were probably afraid of making you angry. They were afraid of you. Step away, take stock of it (what is your reaction and why are they afraid of it?), and allow them to be honest. Not only this but be more careful. They are entitled to live in absence of fear in their own homes.

The Fix: Instead of letting it build up when you feel like there are lies happening, go for that open and honest thing again. Make sure you have someone to talk to, and they have someone to talk to. Do not encroach on each others territory to speak honestly and seek guidance from outside parties. Tell them "I am feeling paranoid again and although it might not be realistic, it feels like you might be lying to me about things like _____ and ______. Were those lies? If so, why did you feel like you needed to lie about it?" And also make sure you know what your reaction would be if they had told the truth. Have you previously exploded at the same event? It's a good clue. People don't touch fire twice, so just make sure you're not the fire.

4. What Seems Fun To You Might Be Hurtful To Them

Oh, my manic darlings. One of the many things that hurt me in my previous relationship was that I was constantly hounded to do things I didn't want to do. Sex, drugs, alcohol, you name it. Even when I wasn't hounded I was consistently exposed to things I didn't want. Incessant drinking, chatroulette, going home with strangers, etc. From the outside, it sounds horrible. Why would I stay in something like that? I didn't know at the time. I always thought there would be a time it would stop. But now, say it with me, I recognize the same things in me. Sometimes I want to down a pack of Redbull and vodka. Sometimes I want to go out and drive really fast and listen to loud music. Sometimes I want to have sex and binge on chocolate pudding and weed. But my partner doesn't always want that. And that needs to be okay. Luckily I recognized this one right away. I know that, as a person diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I have addictive tendencies. I have periods of hyperactive overindulgence and that can be scary for people who are not me. I may not always be stable, but they have more than every right to feel safe in their own home and when they are out with you.

The Fix: As an adult, I have the right to drink. I have the right to smoke. In fact, I can do anything within legal constraints. However, even if it is legal for me to sit with a bottle of vodka and blow pot smoke in my other half's face, we have to consider decency. If you live with your partner, lay down ground rules. Smoke outside. Ask if they care if you have a drink. If they do, wait until another time. If that bothers you, there's a hint that your addictive tendencies may be pulling you rather than your own wishes. Put a limit on how many so they know. Never pressure them to drink or dance or go anywhere they don't want to. And as for sex... bro... if you're in a monogamous relationship and they say no, then your first and only stop is a three way with lefty and righty. The phrase "Is it alright?" or "Would you mind if?" can go a long way. While it might seem fun to you to try to involve them in some things, they may feel pressured instead of played with. Reality isn't always reality for someone with Bipolar, so you really need to put extra emphasis on consent and boundaries. Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected, and your definition might not always be theirs

5. Keep things wide open and very honest.

In my previous relationship, I felt very manipulated. It was like I was a slave. Go to the store, come with me here, make dinner, wash the clothes, clean the house, do my homework, buy my alcohol. And yes, some of these things were very manipulative and very unhealthy. Some of them, however, may have been due to underlying issues that are okay to ask for help with. Buy my alcohol? No. Go to the store? Maybe. In true form, I have noticed some of these traits in myself. For me though, they have taken the form of pleading rather than demanding. Almost every time I go to a large store or public place with a lot of people and a lot of noise, I become so sensorily overloaded that I have a massive panic attack. Unless I time my life around avoiding these instances, I just have to suck it up and sprint through the store. Luckily, my partner does not have these issues, and totally understands if I ask her to go to the store because I can't today. Another example, sometimes I'm feeling overwhelmed and claustrophobic at home. For both of us, it has to be okay for me to say, "I need space." If I'm in the middle of something like putting my shoes on or brushing my hair, or anything really, it isn't a good time to hug me. It makes me feel violent. I can't always explain why I feel the things I feel, but I do, and it has to be okay.

The Fix: In the same way that you have to ask "Is it okay?" and "Do you mind?" Let them know about your boundaries and make sure they ask for you as well. Every healthy relationship has boundaries, but a relationship where one or more of you is bipolar will have different boundaries for different reasons and that has to be okay. Make sure they know that you need them to tell you when you are hurting them because of your behavior because you can't always recognize it. You need their help knowing what you are making them feel because you have trouble recognizing emotion. Some relationships might be able to survive based on common knowledge and predictability, but in a bipolar relationship, both parties need to be vocal because things are not predictable. And, you need to have an eye on you. Although you might be used to whipping blindly wherever your emotions take you, you can't do that when another person needs to trust you. You may, and will, still whip, but whip knowingly. Know where you are. Know how you're feeling. Know your tendencies and triggers, and warn them. Teach them. Train them. Don't just be with them, be with them, and everything really can be okay.

Disclaimers:

• This article is based on two healthy, non-abusive partners attempting a healthy, non-manipulative relationship.
• Feel free to give and take for relationships involving more than two parties. Open relationships can be healthy too, so modify to fit.
• You should never, under any circumstances, trust your partner without question to tell you what is real and what is not real. What can create a healthy environment in one instance can also manipulate and delude. Know who you are with, and be aware.