Feeling Split

I am not one of the mom's baking bread or thriving in quarantine. We're not doing puzzles or spending extra time together. I've been (Maybe too) lenient with schoolwork. I haven't mustered the energy to deep clean or purge or re-organize Anything. For me Quarantine; Shelter in Place; Isolation; Hunker Down; whatver you want to call it, is a constant paradox.

You see, technically, I am disabled. I struggle physically and mentally, but I don't want to accept that life; so I work from home, on whatever I can; while the kid is in school. Its how we get by. I work hard when I can, pace myself and somehow we make it.

Now he's not in school. He's upset and overwhelmed, and to be fair, I am too. Now I spend all my time watching him; I'm cheating at the moment because I couldn't be upset anymore; so I hide and type. How do I move forward? What options are there for a hobby business owner, barely scraping by on SSDI and whatever she can hustle up. You want a dress, I'll make it; crocheted hat, you got it! Need a personalized Anything, I'm your girl. I can't make toilet paper or hand sanitizer. I was working on masks, until I had both had to sit and watch the kid and also, I ran out of thread. Thread that took 6 weeks to arrive; while the stores have been closed, I can't get what I need to make money. But people aren't buying crafty items now; I'm 'not essential'.

I'm not sure how to help him. I know it starts with helping myself; but I don't know how to do that either. My schedule, shot; my routine, out the window. And the kid, who showered everyday and caught the bus by 6:40am, every day; sleeps til I can't take it anymore, showers when I can't stand to hug him and apparently forgot a lot about personal hygiene, consideration and respect after spending every day with me.

I started doing stand up comedy a few years ago. It was and is a form of therapy for me, that is now gone. Online performances aren't the same; watching emojis isn't the same as hearing laughter. There's less to observe, so I feel less relevant. I'm tired. I'm lonely. And I'm scared.

I'm working on both sides of myself. I'm trying to share that with my son. I can't imagine how overwhelming it is; home, alone, 14, hormones running amok, everything is uncertain, which makes your middle school uncertainty almost paralyzing.

We must remember resilience is a muscle; it only works when we use it over and over. In finding a sense of normalcy, we become resilient. We had some friends visit; turns out, if you put a table between you and the person sitting 6 ft away, it almost feels normal. When he can see his friend and they can ride bikes, together but apart, it helps.

I'm really hoping this just hits home with someone. That I'm not alone in the struggle and you know you aren't either. We'll get thru it, masks on, with care and consideration. I just keep hoping the new normal works better for us all.