Fear & Isolation

I’m sat in front of the computer with a list of job application waiting to be finished off and sent out, and yet I can’t bring my self to finish them off for something is holding me back. It's something that spins me out and spirals me into a deep depression to which I seek out comfort food to make me feel better.

For the past three years I have been unemployed seeking work on a weekly basses and getting rejection letters on the daily. I have had more rejection letters than I can count saying things a long the lines of ‘thanks for your application but we have decided to take a different approach.’ It’s not like I’ve been doing nothing these last three years I’ve been volunteering at a small art gallery, and yet I still can’t get a job and it kills me to not be progressing the same as everyone else. It feels like the world is moving on and I am standing still, being left behind and unable to see a future to which I can grasp onto and follow. This endless cycle of sending out a hopeful application and being sent back a complete rejection or nothing at all.

So what is it that's holding me back from even applying to these jobs? Is it fear of failure or low self esteem that stops me from moving forward? Fear of failing is nothing new to me, I’ve always had this fear, it makes me feel uncomfortable to fail. It just doesn’t fit within my body, it itches and irritates me. However it still controls me, carves out an existence within my life holding me to the spot, making me question my choices in life, making me question myself, and how I feel and how I appear to the outside world. Fear of the unknowing in that when I put myself out there, I don’t know how I’ll come across to others. Do they like me, will they want to work with me, will I want to work with them, or am I best off isolated working on my own?

I have a bad habit of isolating myself from friends and family, every time there is a family gathering, I pull away and remove myself from them all comfortably on my own. My feelings are of shame. I’m ashamed of where I am in my life, every question of "How's the job search going?" just breaks me and leaves me feeling so distant and sad at what should be a happy event. As for friends I’ve not seen or spoken to any of them for over three years. It's not that I don’t want to see them its that gut-wrenching feeling of shame again, I feel like a complete loser. Yes, a total loser, going nowhere and watching the world go by. I watch as my friends move on with their careers and lives, going through the stages of life, well I’m stuck at home living with my parents, over-weight, and unable to secure a job. Being unemployed and seeing friends succeed in life just plunges my self-esteem to new lows, to the point I hide away pulling myself from sociable aspects. It plagues me to feel this way because one day I can be up, do anything, and feel great about myself for once, then the next day I’m down again, feeling low as ever, and just wanting to hide away.

This is not how I thought my life would go, struggling with mental health issues, fighting to regain control and not seek out comfort in areas that are not good for my health. I wish there was a quick solution to a long term problem, but there is no quick solution so the struggle goes on.