Falling Off the Rails

by C.J.B 10 months ago in depression

Back down and Back up again

Falling Off the Rails
Photo: On the way to Jenolan Caves

Having difficulties with your mental health can be very challenging. I have my good days and I have horrible days. I would go through weeks where I feel happy and it eventually hits me back with weeks of sadness. Sadness that I can't explain or control for that matter. I wake up and feel sad. I sometimes wonder what's the point of everything that I'm doing. I'm just another cycle in this world.

In my darkest hours, rarely, somebody's there because it's rare that I share it with anyone. Most of the time, when I am in these 'dark days,' people around me would notice that something’s different. I can't help but feel angry and snap at everyone. No one would ask me what’s happening because I don’t respond in a way that would be helpful for me or them. And then I realize what I do, and I go to my room and cry. This is not because I feel bad for myself or for any other reason. It's just that my heart would feel so heavy that I can physically feel it.

There's that feeling of constant sadness without really knowing why. It’s so strong you’d feel numb and empty inside. Like, you're sad about nothing and everything at the same time. Feeling angry when someone doesn’t understand that one simple thing that you're saying because it makes you feel like no one understands you even more.

It can be very lonely. You may end up doing something that is unhealthy, I know I have. There was a time when I would always do something bad for me whenever I was in this state of mind. No one knows what I was doing because I never really shared it. It’s a step that I guess I just haven’t taken yet, but hopefully, soon I will.

Luckily, because my family is now partially aware of what's going on in my head whenever this happens, there are days where I feel comfortable enough to talk about it with them. And because I know it's helpful, I would sometimes talk to a therapist or write it in my diary.

I would still have days where I feel like none of these would help, and whatever it is inside me that makes me feel like this wins a little bit. But on these days where it's "winning," that's when I don't try any of these things.

I let it win.

I mean it's not easy beating it. I have had someone tell me that I am choosing to be like this. But really, why would anyone choose to feel this way? If you can even understand how much ‘this’ is, just hearing someone tell you that this is a choice can be damning.

I can't imagine what it must be like for people who aren't as lucky as I am to have the family and friends that I can rely on. You must fight it because I promise you, you are not alone. You’re not the only one who feels like they have no one. Honestly, with so many people around me, I would have days like that too.

If you feel like you’re the weird and weak one for how you feel, it’s not weird to be weird and you're not the only one who has a weakness. We all have our struggles, and everyone feels weak at some point and in some areas of their lives.

As silly as this may sound, think happy thoughts, going for a walk helps me clear my head sometimes. Go online, there are plenty of resources that could help you. Buy a colouring book and use it!

It’s not easy, and it may happen most of the time, if not every day, but this is a battle that you could win. Don’t you want to win every day?

Visit new places or explore your area. You could find places that you could claim to be yours where you can have peace and free your mind.

Read next: Never In the Cover of Night

See all posts by C.J.B