Existence

Existence

What is truly the point? What does existence really even mean?

Have you ever had something actually change you inside your soul? Something so traumatic so dark that you live your life differently? Hiding in the shadows, lurking in the depths of darkness so that you don’t have to interact with society? I have….I do…This is not existing - this in my opinion is not life. Let me tell you – living without sunshine in your life will kill you faster than a bullet.

Always being surrounded by the happy people with their smiling faces, happy chatter and endless laughter, walking by as if their life is nothing but sunshine. I look at these people all of the happy people and ask myself everyday; “Why can’t I be like that”, “What’s wrong with me”? But I’m still alone. Lost for eternity inside my broken down body looking out of these eyes but my body doesn’t even feel like it is my own anymore. These aren’t my thoughts, my words my feelings or lack thereof.

Days filled with stuffing pills down your throat because the “Doctors” say it will make you better!!! Months turn into years changing from medication to another seeming to never work.

I’m tired; I love my husband and adore my beautiful children. But when is enough actually enough I fight alone all alone in the deepest darkest parts of my soul sometimes all day sometimes hourly; sometimes not ceasing for days.

The consuming darkness festering inside of you alcohol and pills bring the all too familiar burn of serenity - of being completely numb. No more pain. Most days I don’t even look at myself I the mirror because what does it matter. However, when I do look into the mirror I no longer recognize the person looking back at me.

Unfortunately I’m not sure if I ever truly knew who I am even at 35. I’m a mother, a sister, cousin, aunt I used to be a daughter (mothers deceased and father tossed me aside like garbage). Still…Who Am I? I am an all consuming darkness hidden within myself breathing is painful, I do not sleep I cannot eat.

The happy people – what is their secret I’ve always believed they knew something I did not until I climbed my way out of the hell hole I was born into.

To be surrounded by people living their lives. While here you are; sitting stagnant in your own. Noise and people surrounding you, but your still empty and lonely, screaming to the top of your lungs, begging to be saved for help but nobody hears you. Now truly fearing the truth – that in fact you’re rapidly disappearing.

Fading away a little more each day - vanishing into that unbearable darkness that has always followed you around since you can remember – the darkness is beginning to take control……………… or has it always been in control? People toss the word around “normal” am I normal?

Maybe but from my own perception as well as many doctors these thoughts and dreams (nightmares) are not “normal” My thoughts are surreal, horrifying, vivid windows into a soul filled with emptiness and void. Not a lot left to give; biding my time like everyone else.

The hammering thoughts; the overwhelming sadness; the deafening silence, my insane thoughts run through my chaotic head like torrential rain; like watching an old movie.

Now my damaged withered soul is lost for eternity; inside the depths of my own fractured reality.

Lurking within the darkest, deepest, depths of my very own mind, my very own hell

Lost For All Eternity

Tahnee Cole