every three days

Wednesday - March 24, 2021

I’m so tired.

The whole day was tiring and I felt like I didn’t do much. I want to make sure that I am showing up in everything I do, but I can’t. I want to be there, I just want a break to sleep and rest the day away. Maybe I am just burned out from a job where I feel like I can't do anything right, and that my hardest efforts are still so undervalued. I'm starting to understand the way that people would talk about the never ending cycle of work and sleep than work than sleep, and I am not sure what to do about it. It makes me exhausted and I wish I could find some joy in something to focus on.

I hate using the word but because it means what you said before the word really doesn’t mean anything, though I can’t help but to feel like it’s a constant in my vocabulary lately. I think for these past few days it’s because my head and my heart are constantly conflicting. Conflicting about my feelings, my job, my home, my friends, my future, literally anything... and it's nothing short of frustrating.

Part of me is really trying to be supportive of myself and the other have is trying to be active about the things that I want to change. It’s a constant struggle to balance accepting where you are now and wanting to always change to be better in the future, and the past few days have taught me how all of those stages of conflict help to respond in a situation, not to just react. Maybe it's just me but why is it that anything that makes me feel any sort of negative emotion just triggers me.

Thursday - March 25, 2021

I started therapy today.

It's a study through the University of Washington testing the effectivity of online therapy programs and the difference between video and test-based therapy.

I was randomly selected to be a part of the text-based therapy group, I am a little more skeptical about text-therapy but it is definitely worth the shot if it can help me even in the slightest.

With all of that being said, I feel like I got a lot off my chest today even though I still feel heavy. Part of it could be the fact that I am recognizing my limitations to where I am now, another part could be that I got to talk without feeling like I am taking up space or disturbing people with my true thoughts. Which I guess is therapy in itself...

But now that I look back, I almost feel bad that I didn’t let someone else speak because I can't help but to just feel like I take up too much space. Sometimes I wish these thoughts would go away, another part appreciates the check-ins with my feelings about recognizing that other people are important too.

Altogether, I’m really trying, and today was just another one of those trying days where no matter how hard I tried nothing seemed to get easier. It’s tough and kind of sad that so much of me is for other people and one day I will be able to be there for both me and others, but until then days like this I need to take for a win.

Okay, I’m over the sappy shit. Seriously how much does it take for me to just get really excited riding a wave of hope and hope for the best out of anything. One day, one day I won’t have to hope so much it’ll just be inherent. But until then I’m just gonna try to get there one day at a time.

Friday - March 26, 2021

Today was such a low day.

A rough, sleepy, slow morning led to so much of a difficult day. I couldn’t focus and it seemed really difficult to even emote other than a sort of panic or sadness as I proceeded with my day.

I really put a lot of thought into the how I acted in front of people, but it still seemed like the emotions that I try so hard to hide from people just came out naturally in front of people.

I feel like I really wanted to get out of my head today, but I just struggled to do so. Explaining things was difficult so it just sort of seemed like a losing battle before I had even agreed to step foot into a disagreement.

Shopping was difficult and I really wanted to have it be just fun, but it was difficult because of me anyway. My emotions towards things are so unexpected and frustratingly random and I can't quite gauge when or where I will respond to things.

Well I guess we will keep trying won't we.