Eternally Avoiding

My life has turned into avoiding parties or triggers while still maintaining a job and remembering to take care of myself. I work so that I have money like everyone else but within any job I've had there are always stress response triggers, but I'm currently in a minefield of emotions and triggers since I work most closely with other women... Which I feel bad for avoiding the parties or talking to people because I would love to have a social life aside from work again.

I cannot handle more than a few people at a time socially, forget dealing with rude people, and I have had days of nothing but sensory overload. I don't have a way to get help anymore and I'm terrified of how I get to feeling a certain way. Not to mention migraines from everything.

I literally started crying while filing my taxes because I'm getting less than I expected back. Needless to say I could do with a little control because I am a mess. Anxiety and an eating disorder is a horrible combo to live with, but depression and whatever else is wrong with me as well, it piles up on me some days. Yes I'm used to the shame of being overweight and being judged for even drinking a soda publicly. I'm not really that big but I feel like I am sometimes because I have a binge eating disorder as well as a social anxiety disorder.

In figuring out all of this I've also found ways to help myself and other who struggle with these same type of issues. Here are a few ways I can manage it better...

1. Communicate what you need if you can- This will help especially during panic or anxiety attacks if people are in your space or bugging you about what is wrong. There will be times it will not come out polite but it will show that you need space or to be excused to calm down. There have been many times at many different jobs that I've gotten to a point where I am crying or hyperventilating and all I need is to be left alone, and everyone has to be in your business right then and there. Snap if you have to, but let them know and apologize once you're better.

2. Talk about everything you can with people when you're comfortable with them and when you are ready to talk about certain subjects- I have people I won't talk to about anything aside from job related convo, and some I can tell everything to. If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone civilly, it can be detrimental to those of us dealing with mental issues.

3. It's OKAY to have a BAD day, as long as you try!- I have really good days with no attacks constantly, and then there is that one day that someone pushes you too far or you binge eat your entire lunch before lunchtime to avoid an attack... only to have an attack over having eaten everything so quickly. It's okay... you need go... you need try... so you can learn how to maintain yourself comfortably in different situations even if you learned by failure.

The thing I really have to worry about is spiraling. If I'm depressed and anxious, I eat to calm down, I get more depressed and anxious because I can't control myself and so on until I have a chip bag and cigarette pack graveyard under my chair outside. Or if my boyfriend and I are fighting I will hang out in the kitchen eating all my lunch meat and bacon. Sometimes living in that spiral makes you realize thing that even contributed to all these issues in the first place.

IF YOU NEED HELP OR RESOURCES, ASK FOR THEM. TAKE CARE