Entry #1

I started therapy. Again. I had a plan. I started searching for a therapist because I already knew that I was going to need one. I was going to be on the ball, ahead of the game, keeping the world on its toes. Being the type of person that does most things on a whim, this was a pretty big deal in my world. I have a goal. A goal to write a book that has been in the making for more than 10 years. Much of the foundation is already written. I have been holding on to it for years. The problem, however, is that much of what I wrote so many years ago is all but forgotten. I know the main points...but the details have faded. I am very aware that as this process starts it is going to bring up some dark thoughts and feelings of hurt and anger. My past attempts of starting this process, I wound up far too afraid to face my past self and put it back into the dusty old box it had been stored in. I don't think I was far enough removed from that version of myself to actually take a look back at her and feel safe. And now here I sit. I do not want to put it off any longer. There has to be a reason that I cannot stop thinking about getting it done, and until I do it, I will never know.

So back to my plan. You know what they say about plans. They say that God laughs when you make plans. And he did. Again. Who knew that the one human that can make me feel like my whole world could very possibly be completely uprooted would show up during my search for a suitable therapist. This person, the catalyst of the biggest change in my life, was right there in front of my eyes. This person, however, did not see me. To say I spun out would be an absolute underestimation. I could hardly decide what I wanted for breakfast in the middle of a global pandemic, let alone figure out how to manage this stressor. So much for being ahead of the game. So much for thinking I was so far removed from that past self. How can one glimpse of one person take you back SO QUICKLY. That's it. New plan.

Here it is. My new plan means that I will be here on Vocal keeping an online journal. Giving myself an outlet. Practicing my writing. And if I'm lucky, maybe even finding someone out there who finds it worth reading. But is it? The process of unpacking all the things I'm about to unpack is about to be a big ol' mess...and if I've learned anything from reality television it's that people LOVE to watch a big ol' mess that isn't theirs. So maybe this could work. And then what? Well, if there's anything I've learned from the movies it's that people also love a good comeback story. Watching someone hit their lowest low just to turn it all around and create a life that they never thought possible. My story isn't finished yet...but I'm focusing the energy toward that end of the scale by looking back and deciphering the other end of it. And this is where that next chapter begins. Sorting through the last chapters of my life and deciding what that means. Uggggg. This is going to be messy. This is going to be emotional. This is going to feel like I am going backwards, I just know it. At the end of the day...at the end of it all, if this doesn't take me to new places from the eyes of those looking in, I can only hope that it takes me onwards and upwards in my own self as well as I n the eyes of my child. At the end of the day the only thing I want is to be a better human being. Freer. Happier. Stronger. That in my eyes will mean I have reached success.