Emily's Journal

8-14-19

Hello to all that might stumble upon this tragedy of a diary. I recently have been advised by my therapist to start writing again, particularly about my day. I thought it odd at first, but he said it will help me to differentiate between reality and what's in my head. Maybe it will help you if you see it in writing, he said to me. So obviously, this is trial and error, because giving meds is usually his last resort with his patients, or so he tells me.

I'm not very good at writing, but he said that that was okay. I'm just supposed to write what I feel comfortable with, as if I am having a normal conversation. So if you were expecting a college essay in MLA format, you have come to the wrong place.

Since I am leaving tomorrow for a trip (I am staying with my best friend for a few days in Philly), this journal will be my therapist until I get back.

I had a pretty average day. I went to work, did some shopping for food, and came home. As you can see, my days are so eventful. I live alone with my dog, Titan. He's been my main source of company these past few years after moving out of my parents' house at 18. They had strongly advised me getting a pet as another source of comfort besides therapy, and I just happened to stumble upon a picture of him in the shelter. My best friend moved out of town for college right after high school, so Titan has been my buddy since.

I'm writing this now on my couch, under a blanket, with my good boi snuggled up beside me. I should go to bed soon since I have to wake up early to catch the train, but I just can't put my mind to rest. Whenever I'm anxious or worried or excited, that's when my "symptoms" surface. I use quotes because I don't believe this is all in my head. The things that I see... are just too real to me to be delusions. I don't think I see what's not there, but rather I see what is hidden to others.

There is only one lamp on right now in my entire apartment, which is right beside me on the end-table. All entryways to other rooms are pitch black. I can't help but not feel alone. You know that feeling when your back is turned, but you know someone else is there, like you somehow sense the difference in the air and it makes the back of your neck stiffen up, and you just have the sudden urge to run?

I feel that. Right now. My hands are starting to sweat and my body is getting warmer by the second and my heart is racing like crazy. I feel trapped. I want to tear this blanket off of me but I don't want to make any sudden movements. There is a doorway behind me. I don't want to look, but I always do. I have to. These things will not best me. I am in control. I am in control. I am in control...

Titan sensed my panic and perked up. I almost forgot he was here. I just embraced him in a big hug. He really is my tie to reality. I think I'm calm now. I just hope I'll be okay in Philly without him.

I am done writing for tonight. I need sleep. Maybe I'm more tired than I know. I hope to see you all tomorrow!

Emily