EMDR Doorways...

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Some days, I experience EMDR as approaching a closed door, the rhythmic Butterfly tapping as the knocking (alternating self-tapping with arms crossed over chest, so that the left hand taps the right shoulder and vice versa in a L-R-L pattern. The bilateral stimulation opens memory channels, crossed arms and fluttering hands give a "Butterfly" appearance.)

I can relate to Alice's fall down the rabbit hole, I never know exactly what waits for me on the other side. Passing through one door reveals many others, which open in a timely order to different rooms in my psyche. Each door has its own weight, some open more easily than others. Those that lead to repressed memories require the most elbow grease to unlatch, and they also contain vital life energy waiting to be unwound. I tap with eyes closed, focusing on the target image of whichever memory is replaying in my mind, and from there my subconscious takes the wheel. The characters and content shapeshift as I tap, unlocking things that were hidden or bringing in adaptive material as the memory channel is cleared. Some memories are corded to negative core beliefs that I hold about myself, which we identify at the onset of each session. We choose the belief/beliefs that have most prevalently driven my behavior over the last week, or continue where we left off in previous sessions if it's a complexly embedded belief system, and I "tap into it." In this sense, EMDR feels like unraveling cords thread by thread. The threads of trauma, once unbound, can be rewoven into new neural pathways, new beliefs. We weave in positively reinforcing images of what is "real and true" about me, as a way of inversing the old beliefs and revealing the need held within, then I tap while holding those images in my awareness. With time and integration, my nervous system becomes reprogrammed to operating from empowering belief structures and the trauma programming becomes less potent. This is, of course, a slow and methodical process. It can feel like tediously following breadcrumbs through an unknown forest, and my brain does not always enjoy it.

"How many of these crumbs do we have to pick up already?" My brain will complain. "It's dark and scary and I don't know where we are headed. What if we get lost in here? Is this really necessary? Can't we just stay on the paths we're familiar with? I know where those go and I'm really comfortable with them. The outcomes are always the same and I know how to survive them. Wouldn't you rather just stick with what you know?"

"I want new pathways and new outcomes, and this is a good way to get there," I reply patiently. "I know we will survive this and eventually you will know it too. I promise we will take it slowly, and I know we're going to end up in an amazing place. Just stick with me kid, I've got you." (I'll expand on this and other negotiations I have with my limbic brain in the children's book I'm writing about EMDR)

As always, there are helpful plant allies at each point along the path to ease the journey. I have recently been getting deeply acquainted with California Wild Rose, also known as Seven Sisters Rose, Baby Rose, and Multiflora Rose. She has been described as "A Plant of Edges," found usually flourishing on the borders between farms, fields and wild uncultivated places. Anywhere that the soil is disturbed and exhausted, you will likely come across Wild Rose.

Her medicinal properties are multifaceted~ Tridoshic, anti-inflammatory, antispasmodic, antiseptic, antibacterial, vulnerary, blood mover, nervine and liver relaxant, and an aphrodisiac. This humble flowering shrub is a veritable super hero.

In all her ways, Wild Rose soothes irritation and trauma and restores primal vibrance internally and externally. Her cooling touch eases excess heat, her gently fierce nature softens physical and emotional constriction. She is a Hedge of Protection, fortifying a safe space for the heart to bloom within clear, thorned boundaries. Her dichotomy is as enthralling as her fragrance, which lusciously permeates all the air around her. I love to bury my face in a basket full of her perfectly heart-shaped petals, and breathe the intoxicating loveliness in deeply. Wild Rose is an unassuming feral beauty~ pristine and ferociously arresting. She grows where she pleases, and she always goes where she is needed.

I have taken to imbibing Wild Rose in as many ways as possible. She has woven herself into daily tea blends, syrups, elixirs, salves, dream pillows and baths. I'm quite smitten, so I welcome her presence anywhere and everywhere. I love soaking in the essence of Her, drinking her into every cell, completely surrendering.

Of course, there are still moments of overwhelm, anxiety, fear, and shut-down. Wild Rose is the medicine I reach for when my nervous system craves instant co-regulation. I have been tracking a shift in my nervous system responses since I began deepening my relationship to Wild Rose in tandem with EMDR. I'm noticing that my neuroception is more regulated, I'm able to feel safe and remain in parasympathetic functioning, even when triggers that would previously have sent me into Survival Mode behaviors are present. My negative intrusive thoughts are less frequent, my internal dialogue is much kinder, my self-parenting skills are keener, and the physical symptoms of anxiety have drastically decreased. This is profound for me, and for anyone whose nervous system was attuned to trauma at an early age. I am so grateful to recognize this shift in myself- it's been a long time in the making and I'm just getting started.

I recommend Wild Rose as a friend to all. She is so gentle and subtle, you won't even notice the deep work she's doing in you at first. Then you'll find yourself, drinking her tea and relaxing into the joy of the moment, and it will dawn on you that your edges have been softened. Sometimes, healing can be that easy.