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Eating Disorders

My Experience With Bulimia

By Teresa MathersPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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You know that little voice inside your head that makes you feel guilty for eating too much? For some of us that voice turns on us and makes us not eat or throw up. Most people just ignore that voice but other people, well they just can’t make the voice go away. They have to do what the voice says like me. Actually I learned that voice doesn’t control me. I learned it’s okay to eat a little extra and that I don’t have to be skinny. The voice still makes me feel guilty at times and I can’t resist and then it’s back with the uphill climb.

It’s almost like in that Greek mythology story. The story about Sisyphus. He was a sinner condemned to Tartarus and had to push a boulder uphill and then watch it roll back down. Only with us, we are the sinners for eating and the boulder is that voice that is trying to make us give up. When an eating disorder controls you, it’s like an addiction. You tell yourself it’s okay to take one more bite then that voice pops up and starts screaming at you that you shouldn’t have and that now you're fat and no one likes you.

I dealt with it for years but I’m learning how to eat and make the voice happy. Less sweets and more fruits. Less pasta and more vegetables. These are the combinations that work for me but I recommend you find your own. I’ve also learned that voice inside your head listens to the cravings that your body wants. If you’re craving something, eat it because most of the time, the voice cares about what your body wants. It just doesn’t like when you eat of your own free will. It may be a disorder but medications and hospitalization aren't going to help.

They will make sure you took your medications and they will monitor you twenty-four seven but you’re used to hiding your disease. You find ways to throw up and not eat. I learned this the hard way. What you need is a helping hand. One that won’t let go when the boulder falls. One that will help steady the boulder when it’s about to fall. If you can convince the voice inside your head that the food you're eating is a craving, for me the voice quieted until later when it realized I ate more than the voice thought I should. Then I had to hold the boulder steady and put all my strength into pushing that boulder one more centimeter.

I know a centimeter doesn’t sound like much but it is a whole lot. With people who push the voice aside, it’s like they are sitting at the top of their hill with the boulder firmly placed with no way for it to fall. Most people look at a huge meal and think "I’m gonna stuff myself" and others well… my fiance described it perfectly. He said that when someone tries to force or tells the person with an eating disorder to eat it’s like forcing a wild animal to eat. They will run away terrified and hide. But if you leave the food out they will come back and eat what they want and leave satisfied. I feel that it’s true. When people tell me to eat, it’s like the voice is in human form standing in front of me mocking me and silently laughing, knowing that food won’t stay down.

Free will is something that the voice takes from you. Free will is at the top of the hill but you can’t get there because your hill is pretty much a mountain compared to people without an eating disorder’s hill.

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About the Creator

Teresa Mathers

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