Drudging through Depression

Whenever I see articles or self care tips of “just go outside,” “take a shower,” “clean anything,” or something else to that effect when in a depressive slump, it just makes me feel worse. Do you know how much energy those tasks take? How much I have to force myself to do these things, only to feel worse by the end of it? Even the thought is exhausting.

If that’s the case for me, then how do I boost myself up when I’m down for the Depression Count?

I’d like to say, “Easy, just do these things!” Unfortunately, that is far from the case.

I’ve had depression since I was about 5 years old, so I (thankfully) know when I’m getting close to a depressive rut. I know my signs, and have started to preemptively set up some methods to help make these waves a little easier to manage. Of course, everyone is different and may not have warning signs, and some methods may do harm rather than help depending on the person.

For me, in the one or two days before my waves crash down around me and send me spiraling deep in the ocean, I get pretty antsy and anxious. This isn’t always a tell-tale sign that a tsunami is on it’s way; sometimes I just have a bad anxiety day. However, it’s common enough with these types of waves that it’s something I keep an eye on- just in case.

When I get in these high energy, but very shaky states, I have to release this energy somehow. One way or another, I will be staying up most of the night, worrying about something small or serious, running calculations, ect. So, instead of letting that energy go to waste and leave me depressed with nothing to show for it, I try to focus that current into something helpful. This is the time I make sure I empty out my sink, pay my bills, clean off the kitchen table or living room floor. I make sure I write down everything in my schedule, so that when my brain is submerged in the water, it doesn’t have to struggle to think of when I need to work, or where I have to go at which times. It’s already handled by my anxious brain, getting everything off the beach before the water damages it beyond repair.

Not only does it help my anxiety in these moments by doing something positive and keeping me occupied, but it takes the pressure off my depression. Once that wave crashes down, I’m not staring into the face of a full sink, or struggling to find a place at the overrun kitchen table covered with art supplies, projects, and mail. I don’t have to fight to remember what was on my To-Do list, or find the energy to pick up my floor. It’s already taken care of.

This also gives my depression less to feed on. These states of mind tend to find every little thing that’s wrong and amplify it, showing me how I’m a failure and worth less. If these things are already handled before these negative thoughts kick in, there’s no fuel for the fire, and it fizzles out faster. I don’t have to put forth the energy to find water to put the fire out with. It’s small enough that I can stomp it out with my shoe, or just wait for it to die on its own.

Of course, this doesn’t mean these states aren’t still debilitating. They absolutely are, and can leave me barely functional for weeks, or even months.

In these moments, I know I’ll feel better if I take a shower. However, finding the energy is just too much. It’s overwhelming. I have to undress, get the water just right, feel the pressure beating down, wash my hair, clean my body, turn off the water, dry off, and redress into clean clothes? I don’t have those kinds of spoons, friend.

When this is the case, if I can’t complete everything in this Simple Task, I opt for some things and make those the Simple Task. Maybe I can’t do everything involved in taking a shower, but I CAN change into clean clothes, and put on deodorant in between. Maybe I can’t do everything, but I can clean my hair in the sink, or under the faucet in the bathtub. Maybe I can’t do everything, but I can use a wet washcloth with soap and wipe down my arms, legs, and abdomen. It may not be the full process, but it’s a start, and can make the full task less daunting until you have the energy to face the entirety of the Simple Task.

This same process goes with other Simple Tasks that many people promote.

“Go for outside for a walk.” Don’t have the energy to put on socks and shoes, let alone tie the shoes? If you have a pair of slippers, bonus if you’re already wearing them, you don’t need socks, don’t have to tie shoelaces, or struggle to put them on. Just slide them on and you’re gold! Put on clothes instead of pajamas? Nope, not necessary. If you want, you can slide into a jacket or hoodie, but your pj’s are just fine as long as they’re in-line with the weather (I do not recommend shorts or a tank top in winter unless it’s warm, or you have something else over it, for example). Need to brush your hair, wear makeup, look presentable? No, that’s just society telling you what they want you to do, not what you actually have to do. You can go out looking just as you are. I promise, it’s okay. Is going for a long walk too much? That’s okay, just keep it short. Walk around the block, or even just down the street and back. If that’s too much, you can just stand or even sit outside.

Sometimes though, even the thought of leaving my room is daunting, let alone walking out my front door. In these moments, I try and open the window. Getting that fresh air somehow is better than not at all. Not only will it get ME the fresh air I need, but it can also help air out my room or apartment. If there was a smell (trash, dishes, hell, even myself), just opening the window can help with that. It becomes one less chore to force myself into, like spraying an air freshener or lighting a candle, which also gets me points in another Task category. Win-Win!

Now, when it comes to actually cleaning something, not only is this such a daunting task, but it can often seem impossible. And, maybe it is in the moment. However, the thing I try to remind myself here is that just because I start something, doesn’t mean I have to finish it. Do I have 10 dishes in the sink, and that is just Too Much for me to handle? Okay, clean one plate. If I have the energy, clean two. Is the table overrun, but the thing as a whole is overwhelming? Start with one item. Move to another if able.

In these moments, it’s critical to remind myself that I don’t have to complete a Big Picture Task to still do something. Maybe I didn’t clean the whole floor, but I picked up some things. Maybe I didn’t clean all the dishes, but I put away the ones that were already done. Maybe I didn’t do ABC, but I DID do A. And A is still something to be proud of. Doing something, anything, no matter how small, is better than doing nothing at all.

The same thing can be employed with food. Maybe I don’t have the energy to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. However, I can still eat the ingredients separately, but in the same meal. I don’t have to put it all together to eat it. Making a homemade meal is too much work? That’s okay. In the meantime, I have frozen dinners that have protein, vegetables, and some sort of carb. It may not taste the best, but it works when the world crashes down around me. No food in the house and it’s too much to go shopping? Online shopping options are available. Are choices too overwhelming and difficult to make? I haven’t used them myself, but there are meal kits or already prepped meals that can do all that work for you. It doesn’t hurt to try them, especially if it takes some of the difficulties off of your metaphorical plate.

Even with all these tips and workarounds, finding your way back to shore after a depression wave leaves you stranded in the ocean can still be hard. You don’t always know which way leads you to land, or which takes you further out to sea. That’s okay. The important thing to remember is that this too shall pass. All storms come to an end, no matter how strong they were or how long they lasted. Nothing stays the same forever. Your stay in this wave is no different. We’ll get through this.

Be like Dory in Finding Nemo.

Just keep swimming.