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Drowning

by Umamah Rehman 5 years ago in depression
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No one is there to save you.

Sometimes, it all gets a little too much.

The rage, the sadness, the helplessness.

You think that you can control it, keep it under wraps, and go about your day with a forced smile plastered onto your face. You think that it is nothing, and that it will all be fine soon. You think that ignoring it all will solve it.

You're wrong.

Maybe you realise slowly that doing nothing will never help, and one by one, the feelings pile on higher and higher, as you try to balance it all, shoving them at the back of your mind time and time again. And eventually, you realise that there are long cracks in the barrier holding them back, and there is nothing you can do to stop them from leaking out and polluting your mind.

Or maybe, it hits you all of a sudden, and the door crashes open, and everything floods out. You can't keep it in anymore. Maybe you start sobbing, so choked up you can't breathe; maybe you scream in agony, with no way out of the pain. Or maybe you just don't react at all, and you become separate and unfeeling from the shock.

Sometimes, it all gets a little too much. The pressure, the expectations, the sheer weight of it all. You wonder how much more you can take. Is there a breaking point? A point at which you finally give up and just let your wild emotions run rampant in your head, destroying everything in their paths. It is like the unforgiving waves of an ocean during a terrible, terrible storm, destroying ship after ship; a destructive tsunami crashing through the intricate streets of your mind, leaving nothing but debris behind.

You wonder how other people cope as you wander about in a daze. Do they keep it hidden as well, their bright smiles forced onto their faces? Or maybe they are truly happy, if such a thing exists. What is their secret? You wonder if there is some trick that you do not know, or if it only comes to some people. Either way, it does not matter, for you are alone.

Completely and utterly alone. Stranded in this raging sea of negativity, so lost that you can barely understand what is happening around you. You feel as if nothing can be done. You grapple futilely with yourself, trying to find a way out of this suffocating fog. Then there are the odd moments, where you feel absolutely nothing, not even the tiniest scrap of flickering emotion and you have to force yourself to do something about the deafening silence.

Sometimes, it works. You manage to drag yourself out of it, forcing yourself to see the silver linings on every cloud. Perhaps you let someone in, to share the pain, so that it doesn't hurt you as much. Soon, you are able to begin clearing up the wreckage left behind by the devastating storm that wrecked everything. Soon, you will realise that you can be happy, and all it takes is determination.

But sometimes, you can't find a way out, and you just don't know what to do. You are left to drown by yourself, with nothing or no one to help you get back to land again. Nothing seems real anymore; you see everything through a distorted screen that makes the world around you look fake and mistrusting. How are you expected to heal if there is no hand to pull you out of the darkness? You think that you will forever be isolated, and that there is no point in trying. God, you used to try so hard to be like everyone else. And now, you can barely find the energy to think. Is this all that was meant to happen in your life?

You hope that your suffering will soon be over and that you get the life that others seem to have without any problems. As lost and helpless as you feel, you do not want to be an outcast all your life, unloved and unwanted. You yearn for that feeling of deep, true belonging, and the trust that comes with it. And you just do not know if you will be able to wait for it, or if the turbulent tide will finally manage to drag you under the seething waters one last time.

depression

About the author

Umamah Rehman

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