Drowning

I am drowning. I'm sure there is some misunderstanding with that sentence. But there is no other way to explain what is going on. And after drowning comes being numb. That part is my favorite.

Drowning is defined as "respiratory impairment as a result of being in or under liquid." Sure, my drowning doesn't involve water, although lately, it feels as though I am drowning in my tears. But I am being held under something, and that something is a combination of several things.

I am drowning and every time I gasp for air my lungs are filled with metaphorical water. My lungs are reaching for oxygen but all they're getting is water. My shoulders are heavy and my body aches because the fighting for a breath is exhausting. My brain is slowly thinking of water to get the oxygen that I am searching for but after a while, my brain function slows even more. I've heard that the more you struggle, the harder it is to survive. At what point does this struggle end?

I'm trying to ask for help but all that is escaping my lips are bubbles. I admire their beautiful and for a moment, what's causing me to drown has escaped my memory. A peaceful sliver of time passing by because of something simple and childlike. They always say one thing can make a difference. Are these bubbles the difference? Am I finished with drowning?

Now is the time for being numb. The greatest part of this cycle. I don't feel a thing. There's no sadness, no anxiousness, no fear. I can't feel the pain that caused this whole mess. Nothing, just an empty pit. But that's the best part. I don't cry or smile or laugh. I can't feel the pain that used to tear me apart and left me broken. The need and want for food and water has dissipated. It's not something that my body craves. I'm finally free from everything. I don't know anyone who has felt this numbness or understands what it feels like.

You know when you have to get a tooth pulled or have your wisdom teeth removed and afterward there's no pain or discomfort but there isn't the usual feeling of your mouth without the numbing shot being there? It's just relaxed and calm and soothing because it's peaceful right now.

Feeling numb is like that, but all throughout your body, including your brain. There are no thoughts or feelings, nothing that makes you flinch or move because right now everything is still and rhythmic.

I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone besides me but there is a reason for all this madness.

I am mentally drowning. I am overwhelmed with life and all that comes with being Cheyenne. A good portion of my drowning comes from having anxiety, 95 percent of the time my thoughts are racing to the finish line, coming close to attack alley and just barely missing panic road. I have a large brain, but the amount of information: thoughts, feelings, questions, worries etc.

Anxiety sucks. I almost dropped out of school earlier this week. It was the most difficult thought that ever crossed my mind. Being a teacher is my dream, I am more passionate about teaching special needs kids than I am about anything else. Once I figured out that being a teacher is what I wanted to do the rest of my life, I never steered away from it. But school is expensive and having a full-time school schedule and then having two jobs and trying to have a social life is nearly impossible. And because I have anxiety I am constantly questioning whether I can pass.

"Cheyenne, you're going to fail."

"You can't teach kids."

"You aren't going to graduate."

"Saying goodbye to your dreams, you'll never make it."

I have questioned my fiancé about everything. Does he love me? Can he love the anxiety that stays with me? Is it me he actually wants to be with? I am constantly thinking and rethinking and thinking again. And I'm playing every scenario that there could be over and over and over again. It becomes a broken road that I have learned to know so well.

A month ago, I wanted to run away. Take my car, cash out some money and leave. Disappear forever. I almost left the one person who makes me extremely happy. I almost left the school that I worked so hard to get into and develop through. I wanted to say goodbye to my life and start over somewhere else where no one knew me, where all my problems were blown away in the wind.

I was and still am overwhelmed about everything. I am carrying the weight of everything on my shoulders and I am centimeters away from smacking my face into the ground.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone. But this is what mental illness is like for me. My lungs are filling with metaphorical water and I am drowning.