Driven by Anxiety

Anxiety is a silent emotion that can take even the strongest for a wild ride down a dark road. It does it to me all the time. I feel lost and alone even when I'm surrounded by my most cherished companions.

You can't explain anxiety to people who have never experienced it before. There are just some people who don't understand what it looks like or how it feels. Sometimes it's like you got into a race car and you didn't put on your seat belt. Sometimes, it feels like you jump down a dark hole and you can't find the rope to get back out. Sometimes it feels like an elephant sitting on your chest telling you that you will be lucky to get a breath of oxygen into your lungs. All while that is happening, sometimes you have a smile on your face. Sometimes you have tears streaming down your face. Sometimes you have to run away from everyone you know to sit in the dark by yourself. It's hard when no one understands what you're feeling and even if they do, there's a chance that they can't even express how sorry they feel for you. At the end of the day, their empathy or sympathy won't do anything.

Last night, sitting in my dark hole known as anxiety, I got a text from a girlfriend. She asked me what it felt like. I said I felt alone and lost. She responded with some of the wisest words I've ever heard. She said to me, "Well if you're lost, consider it an opportunity to explore somewhere new! And being alone just gives you time to appreciate yourself."

Those words opened up a channel to the real world for me. They opened my eyes into the dark hole I was sitting in and shined a light around me. How do you explore anxiety? You explore it by digging in. You explore it by knowing you're uncomfortable and that's okay. You explore what is happening around you and inside you. I opened my eyes with that statement. I looked around and saw that I wasn't alone in this dark hole. Sitting there with me was everyone who supports me on a daily basis. Sitting there was my girlfriend with her wise words and her contagious smile. Next to her was my boyfriend and his sweet eyes coaxing me out into the light. In his lap, was my sweet little dog with her inquisitive eyes and big ears. For the first time, I felt that I could survive my anxiety and explore the reason why this depressive state came over me.

I once heard that you have to feel everything to understand why the emotions come around the way they do. Feeling everything is exhausting and exhilarating. The pain that comes with feeling everything is suffocating at times. It's a place that I'm sure everyone has been, but very few would admit it.

Anxiety and depression are so prevalent and well-known these days, but how well-known is it? For those who don't understand anxiety, they look at those suffering and ask, "Why can't you just snap out of it?" Let me explain it to those who've never suffered from this plague—it is literally like someone comes up to you and rips your happiness away from you. Like you had it in your hands and then it's gone. And no matter what you do, you can't get it back. You stress and you fret and you cry and scream, but nothing you do is enough to get that sense of happiness back. The only savior you have is time. When they say time heals all wounds, they didn't lie. Time also provides you times for change to come about. Anxiety is like fog. It comes over you and no matter how far you try to run, it's there. You can't see and you can't get out from under it. But with time, the fog blows by and lifts and all of a sudden, you feel better. You feel like you normally do and even though there's a little bit of lingering anxiety, you know you're on the other side.

For those of you who read this and know what I'm talking about—I'm sorry for you and I feel for you. I know EXACTLY what you're feeling. For those of you who read this and have no idea what I'm saying—I hope you get a little more insight on what it's like to survive this big, bad world with a fog over your head. Little by little, the world is becoming more enlightened and that gives those of us with anxiety more hope than we had before.