doubting myself

I find it hard to become who I want to be because I am constantly gas lighting myself with negative thought pattern. I am fearful of what I could be and just how hard and bad I can fail at being myself. I have never allowed myself to dream up the possibility of having the power to create my reality, because I've never felt as if I had the power or resources to achieve what I wanted. Even though I was the only resource I needed, I let doubt fester deep and make its root system in my body.

I am constantly fighting doubt, the universe tells me all is alright, all is going according to plan somewhat and yes, I am right. A million times over I search for the same answer I already received. The doubt comes back biting at my ankles saying "but are you sure those aren't your demons telling you lies?" I create the right thing into the wrong thing. Then the universe gets frustrated because after 30 times of telling me I'm doing the right thing for myself, I still find myself thinking about how wrong everything is going.

I block myself from things I want due to the doubt in my system; trusting yourself is being willing to also follow yourself. I can believe that I was meant for great things, I could be trusting in that one of these days I could be something, do what I want, be who I want, but trusting yourself means nothing when you're not willing to also follow yourself and be okay with having to restart if you find out that the path you led yourself is just a dead end.

A lot of doubts are sourced in anxiety, mainly about time. Time anxiety. When it feels as if things are not coming fast enough we feel like we are doing something wrong. "I am with the wrong people" or "I'm doing the wrong things" doubt begins to cloud our inner wisdom, our intuition. Anxiety is the main source of doubt, so worried that it is not coming fast enough, I think I am wrong when really I am just needing to pick up the pace.

We end up living so sporadically because of this doubt; constantly trying to make it happen, we just want to make something happen so quickly that it spins the world into a new world. Changing from idea to idea, person to person, place to place, thought to thought. Spinning in circles trying to find that one thing that makes this an easy mix in 1, 2, 3, POOF.. and we're there right where we want to be.

How do you know if something is you doubting it or the universe telling you to abort? We all know when something feels good to us in our lives and it's our doubt that makes that decision feel bad, like we are doing the wrong thing for ourselves now.

Doubt is having lost your patience. I know things take time, but I am so desperate to run away from myself I make it harder for myself to come into my true being. By the time I realize this I've already done something that was impulsive or emotional.

Being able to trust in the flow of the universe and the flow of your actions is what wipes out doubt; when you start losing patience you lose focus and start doubting.