„Our unconsciuos mind tends to repeat situations in which trauma appeared in the past, in order to give us continuous opportunities to resolve it. Stirring up pain leads to healing.
Repeatedly throwing yourself into the same traumatic situation will help you get better.“
At least this is the assumption, that most modern psychotherapy relies upon.
It perpetuates the belief that going into pain is good. That digging up trauma from our subconsciousness and reliving it is advantageous. And that people who come and trigger those traumas are a gift.
But let us consider two other facts, that we know are true:
1. Mind, Emotions and Body are inevitable intertwined and function on the same principles.
2. When we have a physical wound, we will bandage it, we will clean it, we will put creams on it, we will treat it with care, try not to touch it, so it can heal properly.
When we have a physical wound, do we continuously keep poking into it every time it is just about to heal? Does tearing it open again and again aid the healing process? I don’t think any medic would agree with that. So how do we come to believe that our emotional body would function otherwise?
Just as with physical wounds, our emotional wounds need nurturing and healing balms, not poking, in order to heal.
Recreating past traumas could actually be detrimental to the healing process.
There is a very accurate saying that goes: The people who broke you won’t be the people to fix you.
It means: Do not look to the past, to the people who hurt you to find healing. You need to look for the very opposite of them. When we are hurting we need to find someone who can give us what we were lacking and what created the pain in the first place.
If your pain is low selfworth, you need a person to adore you and see your greatness.
If your pain is broken trust, you need a someone who is 100% reliable, honest, direct and open.
If your pain is fear of abandonment, find someone who will be always available, grounded and present in your life. Nurture your wounds, don’t poke them.
Another popular assumption of modern therapy goes like: You need to fully heal yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone else.
Dear therapists, stop telling people that no one can love them until they love themselves. Stop planting the idea in people’s heads that they are unworthy of love because of their own struggle.
We are social beings, and since the beginning of the human race, we used to care for each other and help each other. It is normal and intrinsic in our psychology.
So no, you don’t need to do it alone. This contemporary belief system of individualization is what drives most people into depression and suicide. Because we make them believe they are not supposed to share their problems, they are not supposed to reach out for help. We throw them into a deep black pit of loneliness and separation. The belief that everyone is responsible for fixing themselves needs to be unrooted in order to restore true connection and improve mental health in our society.
The proper way to heal is first to accept where you are. That you are allowed to not be happy all the time. And that you can still be loved for who you are.
Then reach out. Connect to friends, share on social platforms. It will give you a huge relief of not having to pretend and hide anymore. And moreover, it will bring you responses from others that feel the same way and make you understand that you are not alone.
At this point the help of a qualified therapist (who does not operate on the criteria mentioned above) or the use of self-help tools like NLP, meditation, sports etc. can definitely be advantageous. Ultimatively, when you are deeply unhappy, the only true way to permanently resolve the issue will be a lifestyle change. Because the root of your unhappiness must lie somewhere. On some level, the way you live your life does not resonate with your inner desire and truth. Once you have discovered that root, you need the courage to step out of your limiting habits and create the life that will truly make you happy. You have everything it takes to do that!