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Does It Get Better?

My Experience in Battling Depression and Anxiety

By Alexis BellawPublished 5 years ago 8 min read
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A lot of people have depression, anxiety, or both it seems. I was never actually diagnosed with depression, but I've had trusted adults I confide in tell me it seems like I do. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I went to my counselor for the first time.

My counselor seemed really nice, but I never got to really know her. I wanted to do counseling, but this counselor wasn't for me. The things she wanted me to do to help cope I was already doing for one, and for two the things she was wanting me to do made me not want to come.

For example, she wanted me to listen to music that she was going to pick and I was supposed to write down what I think it was trying to make people feel and what the author might be feeling. That made me want to throw up. That's the kind of stuff my school would do, and school is the biggest reason for me to develop anxiety.

I was also diagnosed with Trichotillomania (TTM) which is a stress disorder linked with anxiety that causes someone to pull their hair out. I didn't pull out the hair on my scalp though. I pulled out my eyebrows. I didn't even know I was doing it half the time. I would be reading, or sitting there thinking about something and my hand would be up yanking the hair from my forehead.

I only went to my counselor once. After that I just didn't show up. I understand I probably should've called, but of course I hated calling people and the thought sent my anxiety through the roof. I got a couple calls from her asking if I was going to come in and I never picked up. I let it go to voicemail until eventually she stopped.

I thought it was so bad at this point. I was going to school and having a breakdown in the middle of my classes. Math was probably the class I broke down in the most. My teacher wasn't very good at teaching and I could pull students who have been in his class and they would say the same thing. I tried asking questions, but he didn't help. I barely passed that class. I was constantly stressed because I didn't understand and I was too afraid to ask another instructor for help.

I managed my TTM pretty well for a while before that class got into what we were actually supposed to be learning. My eyebrows were completely back to normal. That didn't last long. After we got into what we were supposed to I pulled at my eyebrows so much I barely had any hair there.

I never wore makeup, so I never filled my eyebrows in. I just left them how they were. I had students coming up to me and asking me if I shaved them off. It made me feel pretty bad about myself. I told them it was a stress disorder. I wasn't going to hide it.

Everything was so bad because I felt like I had nobody to lean on. All my friends weren't actually friends and I had pushed away the ones I actually needed. Eventually I destroyed my heart by thinking a boy actually cared for me. Turns out he had a girlfriend and just wanted a piece of me. He didn't get anything from me, but my heart. I was completely broken. My depression sky rocketed. I couldn't hide it anymore. My fake smile I put on every day had completely faded.

I ended up joining the Drug Free Clubs of America. We had a drug rally on my birthday last year in October. For some reason I felt pretty good that day. My confidence was up and I did something I never thought I could do.

I walked up to this boy, I didn't even know his name and said, "Hey, bud!"

He told me later on he was shocked I said anything to him. We ended up riding the same bus. He sat behind me with a weird kid and I sat alone in front of him. We were talking and it's sad to say I was already developing feelings. The bus ride back he had asked to sit with me, so he didn't have to sit with the weird kid. He became my boyfriend a month later and he still is to this day.

Recent Experiences

About a month ago, the beginning of September, I had hit a rough patch. I said I thought I was bad before, well this was worse.

I was constantly down in the dumps. I didn't want to do anything, but I wanted to do something. My boyfriend got pretty upset with me because I was letting everything get to me.

I was alone. I go to a trade school and I wanted to go back to my home school. I filled out the paperwork last year and successfully was back. My school started three weeks later than the trade school did. The first week the trade school started my best friend called me and talked me into coming back.

I talked to the counselor and she talked to the principal who decided I didn't cause any problems or have any attendance issues so he allowed me to come back. The only downfall is I had to choose a different lab to come back since my old lab was the reason I left.

I chose a new lab and I was hoping I wouldn't be put with juniors. I'm a senior. Since I never took this lab, they put me in the junior lab, but I was still a senior I just wouldn't complete the lab since I would be only getting one year.

Everything hit me. I never saw any of my friends. They were all seniors and the schedules had seniors and juniors completely separated unless you had 5th lunch. I had 6th lunch which was with all juniors.

I tried making friends. I would speak and the people would be rude, or ignore me completely. I felt alone. I cried as I sat by myself during lunch. I tried so hard to hold it back, but it just poured out.

I got tired of crying my eyes out, so I went to talk to the counselor. I stepped through those doors and waited to be seen. She wasn't even ready for me and my tears were burning out of my eyes. I tried so hard to keep them away. I kept wiping, but they kept coming.

I told the counselor and was having a hard time talking because I couldn't stop crying. I was choking on my own tears. When I finally got it all out she told me to tell my lab instructor if I was comfortable to see about switching to senior lab if at all possible since I wouldn't be completing the lab anyways.

So, I did. I told my instructor and she told me she doubted it. She told me she would talk to the other instructor and let me know. Last I've heard of it she emailed my counselor, but she's not given me any information about it.

It got to the point that I was getting drunk every weekend. Some say drinking enhances anxiety, but for me it made it go away. I didn't care about anything.

I was rarely smiling. I smiled the most when the weekend hit and I was drinking. My boyfriend made me happy, but he was the only thing keeping me together. I was being held together by a little string and he was that string.

I got upset and cried a lot when we would talk because I was afraid I couldn't make him happy. I felt I couldn't do anything. He hated it and wished I would stop letting everything get to me.

It took a toll on me, I think. All of the sudden I feel better mentally. Before I would cry saying I wouldn't amount to anything and that I'm not mentally stable. I even thought about suicide. I told my boyfriend and my best friend that if they weren't here I would probably be gone. They were what kept me alive.

I even began feeling like I didn't even have my best friends. I felt like they didn't even like me. They were just tolerating me, I thought.

My boyfriend and I would argue because he said I needed to ignore what made me sad. He said I needed to talk about it, but not let it get to me. I got mad at the time when he said it, but honestly I think it helped me when I saw he hated I was always sad.

The Change

All of the sudden I wanted to do things. I wanted to smile and it wasn't fake. I wanted to do the things my boyfriend wanted to do when before I didn't. My boyfriend got to the point that he stopped asking me on dates because he assumed I would always say no. That made me feel bad.

Now when he asks if I want to watch something with him, I say yes and actually mean it. Beforehand I would tell him no or make a grunt noise. Everything made me bored. I was constantly bored with everything until I hit that turning point.

I always looked at the negative side and ignored the positive side of everything. Now, I look at both sides and realize the positive side is more important. I'm trying to be better.

I'm looking up rather than down and it feels so much better. I still get my moments and my little episodes here and there, but I'm much better than I was.

So, the point of me telling you this is don't give up. Not yet. Please, keep trying, keep moving forward. Look towards the sky and eventually you will be in a better place than you were before. One day, you'll look back and say, "I'm glad I didn't give up then."

coping
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About the Creator

Alexis Bellaw

20-year-old momma of two precious little girls writing my feelings out and publishing them to you. I hope you enjoy my content!

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