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Do You Suck At Forgiving?

Maybe we all do, and maybe this can help.

By The Rogue ScribePublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 6 min read
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Credit: Mohamed Abdelghaffar

Pain. A great teacher but a terrible master.

I come across many references such as “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” or “no pain, no gain” rather often. This happens online or it could be just in casual conversation. Of all the phrases out there, one of them catches my attention more than the rest. Probably because I'm finding myself in situations that call for it quite a bit.

When something causes us pain, we’re pressed to forgive and forget. Lately, I’m seeing more and more people choosing only one or the other. My argument here is that I don’t believe this can work out in the long term.

Personally, I think the phrase should be taken as is. Nothing more, nothing less, and certainly nothing in between.

I do understand that being able to truly forgive and forget is very difficult, even impossible for some. This pain pattern usually involves some sort of grudge forming at one point or another. Now, people are entitled to process their pain however they see fit. It helps if they’re aware of the consequences of their chosen actions.

The keyword here is ‘chosen’ because choices are always available.

So let’s go over the choices you can make when faced with the opportunity. Before you sharpen your pitchforks, remember: I’m here to help you connect the dots, not tell you how to live your life.

Only Forgiving:

If you’re quick to forgive, then fantastic. You’ve taken the first step towards recovery, but I’ll be the first to say that’s only half the work.

There’s this idea floating around that if you forget how hurt you’ve been, you’re prone to get hurt the same way again. While there’s some truth to that, it’s coming from a negative angle.

I mean, if you’re going to intentionally remind yourself of the painful event, then the wound never really closes. And if the person responsible believes they’re forgiven, but you intentionally remind them of how they wronged you, then your initial pardon becomes worthless.

Now, I understand you can’t just “force” yourself to forget something painful by practical means. Even if you get your thoughts in line, things can happen that might make you involuntarily dig up that memory from your database.

We're only focusing on what you can control though.

So if you’ve managed to genuinely forgive, the next step you might want to consider if you can’t seem to forget is to rewire the phrase. That is, don’t remind yourself of the pain; remind yourself of how you overcame it at that moment.

That’s one way to turn a negative into a positive and not perpetuate the guilt cycle.

Only Forgetting:

Also known as bottling it up.

I haven’t met many people who have been wronged and simply “forget about it” besides Italians. All joking aside, for me that’s typically a blood-red flag. I say this because I personally struggled with this in the past.

9 out of 10 glass chins agree; this is nothing but bad news in the long term.

You see, simply forgetting about something is useful in short bursts. From my experience, I could easily pocket away something painful for a bit so I could focus on other priorities. Thing is, if I forgot about something and let it go unresolved or unforgiven for too long, then it was only a matter of time before it exploded.

You can’t just push things away, forget about them, and not allow yourself to feel what you need to in order to fully forgive. This is why just forgetting doesn’t work long-term on its own.

What I would say here is if the situation doesn’t allow you to process your feelings thoroughly or calmly, then sure, forget about it for a moment if you can. But always come back to it, resolve it within you and allow yourself to eventually forgive it as well.

Do you see how one choice complements the other? That’s the goal of the phrase.

So what happens when you won't or can’t do either?

NOT Forgiving OR Forgetting:

I think it’s self-evident how devastating it is to carry this amount of resentment around all of your life. But what about those unique cases when you simply don’t have an easy choice to make? You may be 100% justified in not choosing and that’s completely fair in certain cases.

I’ll even play devil’s advocate and say if the pain brings you some kind of comfort or motivates you to take positive action, then stick with it.

I think it’s awesome if you can somehow manage to channel your anger, pain, and discomfort towards motivation to push past your limits. It’s an unorthodox process, but as the Rogue Scribe I can respect when guerilla tactics are used for the greater good.

Be warned: if you consciously choose to not forgive or let yourself forget, you may be poisoning the same well you drink from and immunity isn’t always guaranteed.

Forgiving and Forgetting =/= Reconciliation

I recently learned this and found it very powerful. It answered a few questions I carried with me from before and allowed me to make progress in certain areas, which is always appreciated. Maybe this is what’s missing from the entire thing.

Of course, forgiving and forgetting are ideal for everyone involved. But reconciliation is completely optional in any scenario. There isn’t a set of rules saying you have to remain friends, colleagues, lovers, or anything after a clash has occurred. Especially if the pain is too much to handle or if the behavior doesn’t seem to be changing.

If anything, this is even more reason to forgive, forget and move along if you choose to. Don’t turn the dungeon into a home.

Takeaways:

- All in all, forgiving and forgetting work best together. Like Batman and Robin, mustard and mayonnaise, olives and avocados, or any other classic combination you can think of.

- They can still be useful individually. Even if you choose not to exercise them, that might still help in the short term. Tread carefully and be aware of the consequences of carrying the burden for too long.

- Reconciliation is optional; even if forgiveness is offered and the topic never comes back up again. You can choose to walk your own path and be at peace with that.

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Read more: The Art of Patience, Gratitude & Courage

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About the Creator

The Rogue Scribe

Writer. Narrator. Author of 'The Art of Patience, Gratitude & Courage'.

Challenge the world, go rogue with me, and subscribe to support my wordsmithing.

To read my uncensored articles, head over to: https://theroguepath.blogspot.com/

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