Do Good and Communicate

Everyone around me seems to have busy days full of work and success. I don’t mean to sound insensitive. I know it can feel monotonous. But at the end of the week, they can say they worked and made money and lived just like everyone else.

You know what notable things I did this week? I put away a gallon of milk at the grocery store that someone left on a random shelf. I ate tuna and chocolate cake for lunch at 3:30 pm in my PJs. The most meaningful parts of my week were the handful of conversations I had with friends. For just a moment, I would forget that I was too scared to shower that morning. For a moment I felt like I was a valuable friend. But then I'm back home. I can't sleep. I'm back with the tuna and my own body odor. I look at myself in the mirror and think "this is my best. I'm doing my best. And if this is my best, then why would anyone think I'm worth their time?" But the truth is, it doesn't matter if I'm worth their time. Because they are worth my time.

I feel broken. I work when I can, and I save money as I’m able. Anyone who would experience the disorder and symptoms that I experience would struggle the same way I have. Usually I remember that. But then I talk with friends who worked for 8 hours that day, drove home, then slept all night in a dark room with no noise. I wish I could do that. There is literally no reason why I shouldn’t be able to, right? But there are reasons why. And that’s okay. I’m still real. I’m still here. I can still do good.

So you know what I did this week? I put away a gallon of milk that was left out at the grocery store, because despite what “the voices” say, I believe in fighting for human decency. I ate tuna and chocolate cake because I used to live in a port town that had a fish market right next to the chocolate factory, and I find weird comfort in the combination of those two smells. And even though I struggled to shower, sleep, eat, and get dressed, I made a conscious decision to still choose to be with my friends. I treasure those conversations more than anyone knows. My disorder would have me believe that nobody wants to be around a smelly, shaking, scared, “broken” person. Maybe sometimes I don’t feel like I’m worth their time. But I see heroes in my loved ones. So I’m going to make sure they know they are worth my time.

I’m proud of my friends and family for staying busy and enduring long hours of hard work as they progress towards their goals. I don’t feel that same pride for myself. But I do feel heavenly gratitude that I’m still here to witness this life. The thing I’m proud of most in myself is that I haven’t lost hope that I can still be of value to the people around me.

In Hebrews chapter 13, Paul said “to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased." Doing good to, and communicating with your friends should feel like a sacrifice. But it’s well worth it. Whether you are religious or not, please put in a greater effort to communicate. We need to be here for each other. We shouldn’t wait till things go wrong to check up on people.