Diary of a Depressed Person

Diary of a Depressed Person

Entry Two

Today, I've been thinking a lot about friends. Your people. Your tribe. Mine are great. I’m blessed. My tribe might only consist of a few people, but quality over quantity right?

When you have depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and suicidal tendencies, it can be pretty hard to maintain a healthy friendship. You push people away, you are irritable, grouchy, lazy, have freak-outs or mental breakdowns, you can be very mean. I think it would be easier to just leave the person alone until they are feeling better, but my few dear friends don't do that. They always make me feel loved and important. They work through my sometimes bratty attitude and emotional rollercoasters and are willing to talk things out with me. I'm lucky.

I only have a few friends, so sometimes they are busy and can't hang out with me which is completely fine and normal. We’re adults and we have relationships, kids, marriages, jobs, responsibilities. But at this point in my journey, I am having trouble being by myself. I sometimes get lonely. So lonely I cry. Now I am not one to cry, or at least I used to be. Now, I cry almost every day. (which is complete ass.) I am also not one to NOT want to be alone. I am a big introvert, I used to cherish my me time. But lately.. Not so much. When I'm alone, I finally have the time and the peace and quiet to actually deal with myself. My emotions. There is nothing to distract myself with. Only thing is, I have yet to find peace.

I don't want my life to consist of distracting myself to refrain from dealing with my problems and emotions. I want to be able to feel them in their entirety with no holding back. I tend to do that a lot. Hold back. I have been raised to show no emotion; keep moving forward. You have no time to sit and cry and wallow in your sorrows. It was always get up, brush yourself off, and keep moving forward. Another big thing is, i didn't even notice i was bottling my emotions up until i was in high school, then out of nowhere i would just freak out. Have a breakdown. Yell, scream, cry. My brain literally did not connect the dots until I was older. Then one day, I had an epiphany. These are emotions. I should probably allow myself to feel them. And I have been trying. But still, at 21 years old there are some emotions and feelings I can't even begin to comprehend.

I've come to realize that it's okay. You don't have to have the answers all the time. But it doesn't stop me from being sad about it sometimes. I wish I did have the answers. If i had the answers, every aspect of my life would be way different, hehe.

What really sucks is being alone. I wish i had more friends. But I also think that maybe, just maybe, it's a good thing I don't have more friends at the moment. Maybe I need to be alone to be able to get my shit together. To heal. I just didn't realize how goddamn lonely I would be.

I feel like I keep repeating myself, but at this point that is how my brain is working. It's the same things running through my mind over and over again. I just love anxiety, don't you? (:

Well, I'm about to go to bed. Every night before I fall asleep, make a nice relaxing tea, stretch, do some yoga, and then meditate. All of the healthy self love shit my therapist included in my wellness plan. I have even started a Mediterranean diet and stuck with it! I've also kind of fallen in love with meditating. I'll write about it one day. Thanks for reading and sticking it out with me. Embrace the suck lovelies <3