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Diary of a Depressed Person

Entry One

By Jessika MillsPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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Diary of a Depressed Person
Photo by Joel Naren on Unsplash

Diary of a Depressed Person

Entry 1

It’s the 25th of October. I started therapy 2 weeks ago after I tried to commit suicide for the 7th time. (7 just so happens to be my favorite number.) I was told by my therapist, named Rick, that I need a healthy outlet for my emotions. Rick is an awesome guy, and honestly, an even better therapist. So… here I am. I’ve always loved to write, especially when I was in elementary school. I would always fill up notebooks with stories of my classmates and I turning into superheroes and saving the world. Or I would write stories of love. Stupid, stupid love.

I guess it's safe to say I don't write those kinds of stories anymore (haha) because here I am! Writing about my depression and suicidal tendencies; which we will dive more into later on down the road.

So I'm guessing you'd like to know more about me... My name is Jessika Mills and I am 21 years old. My birthday is July 20th, 1999 (team cancer baby!) I’ve recently been diagnosed with severe major depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and prolonged PTSD. I guess I kind of knew I had bipolar disorder my entire life, I just didn't know what it was. I just knew that I had all these emotions and mood swings and didn't know why. Sometimes I still have emotions that I don't understand and I don't know why I'm feeling a certain way.

It's also crazy how you won’t know what is wrong with you- or maybe I should say understand what is going on with you until someone tells you. Then it finally clicks. The lightbulb in your brain finally flickers, and it is bright as FUCK. Suddenly, a lot of things make sense. At least that is how it was for me.

What's also crazy is I just realized that I told you my diagnosis when telling you about myself instead of actually telling you about myself. Like my diagnosis makes up who I am as a person, when in reality that is not the case. Why does our brain work like that?

So, let me try again. My name is Jessika Mills and my diagnosis does not dictate who I am as a person. I love to paint, sew, do yoga, and cook. Cooking is one of my greatest passions in life. I also love sports, especially basketball. I love to write. I love to go hiking, swimming, and spontaneous adventuring. My favorite colors are yellow, lilac, and white. I also love a good peach color. My favorite food is salad, only because there are SO many different things you can do to make a salad to make it delicious. My favorite movies are Rocky, Silver Linings Playbook, and Eat Pray Love. I'm also an Avatar the Last Airbender fanatic. I have two ATLA related tattoos; one of Appa and one of the moon spirits.

Another thing I'm supposed to be doing is reminding myself of what I'm good at, because lately I've felt like I suck at everything. Like I'm failing at existing. Being alive. Which is the one thing we’re actually supposed to be doing, right? So.. here it goes. I'm good at cooking. I'm good at making people laugh and have fun. Because I like to have fun. (when depression and anxiety allows me too.) I'm good at singing, playing the piano, and falling down the stairs. I'm really good at embarrassing myself, but I don't mind. If it makes other people laugh I'm honestly okay. I'm a really hard worker. That is definitely something I take pride in. I'm good at reading people, and their energy. I might not understand what I'm feeling, but I most definitely know how you're feeling. Is anyone else like that? Does that make sense?

So, I suppose, underneath all the suck.. I'm actually pretty dope. I just wish I could see myself in that light all the time. But it's okay not to. It's not sunshine and rainbows all the time. If there weren't bad times, we wouldn’t know what the good times felt like. So, therapists’ orders, I will be here, writing to you, every day. Embracing the suck. Wanna do it together?

humanity
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About the Creator

Jessika Mills

i am divine | food artist |

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