Depression Weigh down.

I feel heavy.

Living threw and currently in a pandemic mental illness cases have risen. This means quite a lot of things but in this case it means there are more people who will sympathize with me and understand. I wish that gave me some comfort but it does not.

My depression is currently winning in our endless battle.

I was diagnosed clinically depressed when I was sixteen-ish. I was in high school, My mom thought it had to be something other than normal teenage moodiness. She was right, I am lucky to have the type of mom I do. Needless to say this is something I have dealt with for a long time. I have managed to work around taking the medication they suggested and prescribed to me but unfortunately that might not be sustainable anymore. I know some need that medication but I never thought mine was as bad as to need it, I could manage but I’m not sure anymore.

Ive heard first hand accounts of the medications that help with depressions and most of the stories aren’t in high regard. I didn’t want to be a zombie or come reliant on medications that change how I thing and who I am.

Anyway, I haven’t spoken to my therapist in years I’ve managed that well. Yet something about this pandemic and the lack of ability to be out and do some of the things that helped me combat my episodes have made it entirely that much harder.

I find myself loosing the argument to get up and go to work more often then not. Yet my body runs on auto pilot when I do manage to get up. Im able to smile and joke and pretend like all is okay. Even the people that know my diagnosis wouldn’t know that I’m having trouble. Its like Ive programed my body yet as soon as I by myself or away from people and don’t need to fake being okay its like a light switch.

I feel heavy.

Everything feels…….. Heavy.

Im exhausted and not present most of the time. The worst part over all, over the bone deep sadness that more times than not doesn’t have a reason. Or the random fight to not cry. Or the casual thoughts of not being here or the all encompassing numbness is the anger and guilt. I see myself get angry of frustrated and wanting to cry at my son for asking something as simple as asking me to make him something to eat because he’s to young to make it himself or even simpler just talking to me when I’m laying down and want nothing more then to just disappear into the fetal position and be or do nothing. Which in turn makes me feel extremely GUILTY.

My son doesn’t deserve that, he is the sweetest little boy and he’s asking me for the bare minimum. Once more there are people out here with real problems. People dying, loosing loved ones, jobs or homes. Families getting torn apart and all things of that sort.

It’s a constant Ferris wheel of emotion and non emotion. You never know which one it will be and how long it will last. The people it will affect.

My family always Fret over me which in my opinion makes it worse. Besides the guilt of making loved ones worried its also the fact that they don’t know how they can help. Its not something they can help with and so I have to spend energy I don’t have on trying to console them on not being able to be helpful then holding myself together.

I feel heavy.

Im loosing but I’m not lost. I will keep fighting it.

I decided to go back to counseling. If that doesn’t work ill seriously consider the medication and probably take time off from work because that’s a whole other mess contributing greatly to keeping me down. Making me feel worse.

For people who suffer in their own heads know it’s an everyday battle and its utterly exhausting but no great wars have been won without loosing a few battles.