Depression sucks...

The first time I thought about suicide I was 21 years old and in the middle of my junior year of college at Grand Valley State University. It was a Friday night and my friends and I had spent the majority of the night at the bar, drinking and just having fun; the typical Friday night adventure. At some point in the night it was suggested to go back to someone's place to continue the party. On this particular evening it just happened that we ended up back at the apartment I shared with my best friend "G" and our two other roommates "D" and "M". Everyone was sitting outside, drinking and having fun. It was pretty late and I remember getting up from my chair and going in the house. I stood in the kitchen for a few minutes, not moving but just standing there. I have no idea what I was thinking or what I was even really doing for that matter. I don't even really know how much time had passed but the next thing I know, I'm sitting on top of the dryer in our laundry room with a knife to my wrist. I don't know how I got the knife or really even why I got the knife, but I remember in that moment thinking "this will make it all go away."

Make what go away? What was so horrible about my life that the only way to make it better was to end it? And to this day, almost 20 years later and I still don't have an answer.

I don't remember how long I sat on the dryer before I finally put the knife down but it was a while. I sat there, crying wanting the pain to go away. Only I couldn't explain what the pain was. I picked up the knife a second time and put it to my wrist and this time a different thought entered my mind. I suddenly thought about my family and what this would do to them. I also thought about my little sister "J" and how this would affect her. The look on her face when my parents told her what I had done ran through my mind and it made me cry harder. How could I do this to my family, to my little sister, to the people who mean more to me than anything else in the world? These thoughts continued to run through my mind as I left the laundry room, knife sitting on the dryer.

I went to the bathroom and dried my eyes, but the pain on my face couldn't be washed away, no matter how much soap and water I used. I went back outside and tried to act as if nothing had happened and I was the same happy-go-lucky girl I was at the start of the evening. I continued to drink with my friends and eventually that pain I was wishing away was gone once again..... until the next day.