Depression Sucks

In 2008, I had my very first touch of depression. I was a Goth girl in high school who knew different people from different cliques, but never belonged to one. I had friends, each with their own problems, but I never saw the depression coming.

Growing up I had always been confused by my emotions. Around certain people I would become irritable, angry, sad, and around very few, happy. When I was at a sleep over or at family events, I could never think straight, because I was trying to figure out why I kept feeling random emotions out of seemingly nowhere. For a long time, I truly thought I was bi-polar. It wasn't until 2008 in high school, starting therapy with the school counselors that I started looking into what was called being an Empath.

After studying being an Empath for a time, I started noticing how I felt around certain people, and eventually I could tell exactly who was feeling what with the people closest to me. It started becoming unbearable. Having to go to school every day, being surrounded by so many emotions bombarding me for eight hours a day, eventually my depression grew harder and darker. Eventually, I dropped out of school. I was a good student though, mind you. I never skipped class, didn't party, or cheat. Sure, the occasional math test had me stumped, and I wasn't a straight A student, but I liked school. I just couldn't take the burden of 20 people's emotions all at once. It was too much for a girl who didn't even know herself.

After a while of not being in school, things only got worse. So bad in fact, that I attempted suicide.

It wasn't that I hated myself or didn't think anyone loved me. I know they did, and I loved them. But I truly felt crazy and like I just didn't belong in this world. I didn't want to be here, or to have this incapacitating ability to read emotions. I strongly felt that everyone I left behind would be fine eventually. That they would grieve, and then move on.

Luckily, after that attempt is when things slowly but surely began to change for the better. I decided that I wouldn't go down without a fight, and refused to go through life without a high school diploma, so I looked into ways to get it. That's when I discovered Job Corps. At the same time my family recommended I seek mental health care before anything else. For the record, never tell your depressed loved one to go to a psych facility. If they want to go, and feel it's right for them, they will bring up the option. Job Corps sounded amazing as it provided me the opportunity to earn my GED, certification in a trade of my choice, my drivers license, high school diploma (yes you can have both a HSD and GED), not to mention a ton of other things. Biggest appeal? I got to move onto campus. Have you ever heard the saying "you can't heal in the same environment that made you sick?" That was basically my mentality at the time. Staying home was not an option.

After some consideration and conversations, I decided to go straight to Job Corps, no mental facility.

Job Corps was hands down one of the BEST experiences I've ever had. To explain how things went there would take at least ten other articles. I was there for about two years, and earned everything I wanted to. After that many things happened. I found out college just wasn't for me, I experienced being homeless, and jobless, found out who my real friends were, traveled a bit, made plenty of mistakes, and felt many difficult heart breaks, including losing my adoptive father to cancer.

Eventually, I went back home to live with my mother again. I got a job that is notoriously known as the worst place to work in my town, and tried to figure out what I would do with my life next. Then I met him.

To make this story just a little shorter, I met the love of my life whom I have now been with for five years, married for three. He has enormously helped my depression, but it reared its nasty, dark head again about a year ago. Over the years the depression never really went away, and sometimes I would harm myself. Again, not because I hated myself, but because the surface pain was easier to take than the emotional pain. It was a distraction from the real problems. I'll never be able to express how painful it was confessing my self hurt to my husband. I'll never forget the look on his face, or the shame I felt. He held me. Even though I had made him feel helpless, he still loved me. It was soon after that, that we decided to kick out our extremely problematic roommate who really wasn't helping the situation, and looked into getting me help.

During high school I had found a therapist and had a few sessions, but my Mom didn't like her, so she pulled me out. All these years later I found out that the same lady was still a therapist! I was so excited, and after calling her, I found out she had kept my file and remembered me. She got me on her schedule very quickly. After about four months of bi-weekly therapy, I felt stronger emotionally, and more clear than I ever had before. But something still seemed just the slightest bit off.

Now here is where it got kind of funny. One night while my true love was sleeping, I noticed that I felt really grumpy, but I couldn't pinpoint why. I knew it was an emotion that belonged to me, but I couldn't figure out why I was feeling that way. I had heard about chakras before, but had never delved into what they were, or anything about them, until that night when I simply typed into Google "are chakras real?"

After doing a bit of research and reading about them, I looked up my symptoms to see what Chakra was either blocked or in over drive. Turns out it was my Sacral Chakra, and it's coordinating color that helps balance it is yellow. For the record I hate yellow, but I was open to almost anything at that point, so taking advantage of the autumn colors, I paid special attentions to the yellow leaved trees, and felt almost instantly better. I was convinced.

Ever since then I've been studying chakras, and their relation to sound waves, colors, music, crystals, essential oils, etc. My point to telling you this story is to credit natural forms of curing depression. I have always completely refused to take anti-depressants, as they treat the symptoms, but not the true problem. What continues to make life so incredible for me are things I can put into a very simple list:

1. Therapy. It won't work unless you allow it to.
2. Studying the chakras and how you can heal them.
3. Essential oils instead of meds.
4. Crystals. Everything is made up of energy, so why wouldn't crystals and their very unique frequencies influence yours?
5. Meditation. Focusing the mind has done some truly incredible things for me. There are so many different ways to meditate. Don't knock it before you try it.
6. Waking up before 10am. Our bodies are hard wired to actually get up and go to sleep with the sun. Defying nature can unbelievably contribute to depression.
7. Exercise. Just 30 minutes a day makes a big difference, and it is really nice to be proud of taking care of yourself.
8. Taking it day by day.

All of these things contribute immensely to curing depression. I'm not saying everyone is the same, or deals with it the same way. But as someone who went through it for too long, I'm so happy to say that I took the quiet time, instead of the brain-altering meds. I'm so happy I lived to get married to my truly incredible husband, and to see the amazing life I am living. I'm so happy I found all these life-changing ways to better my health, mind, and heart.

I can honestly say that I wouldn't change any of it. In closing, I just want to encourage you to look into natural methods for helping with depression, and give them a real try before going to medication, or taking other drastic measures. Healing yourself can be so much more fulfilling. For all those who are still in that dark place, know there is a way out, and a strength in you that I know for a fact is there. You are powerful, and wonderful. Don't give up. You can get yourself out, I promise. Know that I, a complete stranger, loves and believes in you. I know you can get through this!

Thank you for reading,

Namaste & Blessed Be.

-Shelbie Fae