Depression on Deck

*The article below originally appeared on my personal Tumblr blog The Octopus Sleep in 2019 and I added a post from 2013, editing both to reflect my current circumstances and progress. Both reflect on what I went through when I was manic depressive for many years, finding out the root cause nearly 40 years after my birth. I must advise first that the video that accompanies this article may be triggering to others who have been through similar. It is not my intention for that to occur, but I want everyone to know just how BAD depression can get and the ramifications of toxic relationships that result from its aftermath. I mentioned She but it applies to ANYONE, man or woman. I'm putting myself out here just to remind others who are going through the fire: There is a way out. It may get worse before it gets better. Seek professional help and if you can't there are resources via YouTube than can help. Always consult with a professional before implementing any type of treatment."

She’s going to be tired. Constantly. Don’t let her stay in bed all day. She’s not going to want to eat. Make her food anyway. She’s going to want to cancel plans just to go home and watch Netflix. Take her out dancing any way. She will look like she’s not in the mood to be silly. Try to make her laugh any way. She’s going to want to cry over spilled coffee. Don’t make it seem like its not a big deal or that she’s being dramatic. She’s going to be happy and sad at the same time, and I know that sounds crazy but it’s the truth. She is going to need constant reassurance that she’s beautiful. Tell her. She is going to constantly need reassurance that you’re not going to leave her.

She isn’t doubting you or questioning your love, depression comes with anxiety. It comes with no appetite, sleeping 10 hours and waking up tired. It comes with the illusion of standing in a room with hundreds of people and being seen by none of them. It doesn’t make sense. It’s impossible to understand so imagine how they feel…. fighting a constant internal battle. So be that support system. Reassure and love hard.

Never give up on her. Giving a depressed person hope or security and ripping it from them is just plain destructive and cruel. Be there for her and actually back it up with action.

I’ve dealt with depression for many years and having toxic people around made it impossible for me to heal. My ex was supportive in the beginning, but it wasn’t enough because of who was taking care of his affairs. They became nasty, cruel and downright abhorrent when they realized I couldn't be controlled AND when I refused his caretaker's plan for her to become my legal guardian (I already had one). If any of you out there have a significant other whom has family & friends that have a bit “too much” to say about your depression, nip it in the bud before its too late. I wasn’t allowed to express anger or frustration, because if I did, I was “crazy and unstable” when it was THEM that were crazy and unstable.

The moral of the story: Be there for her, do whatever you need to to in order to make her happy and keep her happy. Don’t get angry because she’s symptomatic or say hurtful things about her problems. That led to my permanent break-up with him, his caretaker, and his whole crew. Putting down someone with depression and then gossiping about is wrong and I hope that person can live with themselves if said person self-harms or commits suicide because of their abuser's gross negligence. I've seen this happen so many times over the years and it must come to a full stop..and NOW. Not later, NOW.

I suffer from clinical depression and it’s been a rough journey for me. On some days, I don’t even want to get out of bed. I have to force myself out of bed because I come too far and my grandparents (RIP 2001 and RIP 2021) would not want me to wallow in my sorrows, but to get up and LIVE, be THANKFUL for the opportunties they paved my way for. I’ve suffered from depression since 2010 and I’m now off of all psych medications as of July 2018 due to severe acid reflux damage resulting from the medications. I’ve suffered from depression for years, but never got treatment for it until 2010. I still have my days when I feel depressed, but I have coping strategies that are helping me.

I'm no longer depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts and that is because I started to tackle the REAL CAUSE of my depression, which was so deep rooted in my childhood that it took 37 YEARS to find out the truth. And when I did, it was terrible. Still, despite revealing the hard truth there are some that chose to believe my mother's blatant & public lies over the hardcore PROVEN truth about her near-fatal actions.

I used to feel worthless and hopeless to the point of sleeping all day and being awake all night, or eat until I would throw up, then eat some more afterward. I would alsos tarve myself because I thought that would help with my depression. I don’t feel like that anymore nor am I self-destructive. At one point, I felt suicidal. I was hospitalized twice in early 2011…and have been out of the hospital nearly 5 years. Once I tackled the root cause of my depression, my life turned from zero to hero within 3 years.

I feel good and want to stay that way.

Sincerely,

Kimba Wiggins