Depression Journal Day 1

I started reading this book a week ago called “Get It Done When You’re Depressed”. It’s written by a woman named Julie Fast and has some insights from Dr. John Preston. I was surprised that page number 1 had something useful. Julie doesn’t waste words or belabor points in the book. The tips are straightforward, practical, and applicable in an average person’s life without downplaying or invalidating your individual experience with depression.

I fight with depression every day. I wake up in the morning and think to myself, “I don’t want to leave bed today. It’ll be fine if I just lie here until nighttime.” I eventually do get out of the bed and go about with my day, yet, somehow, my brain seems to forget that reality and insist the very next morning that getting out of the bed is impossible.

I thought of myself as weak, pathetic, and lazy. If I could just push through my feelings and motivate myself, I could be productive. If I just found something I was passionate about I would be able to function better. If I could just not be depressed, I could have a better life because I would actually be able to DO something.

Then I read chapter 1 of Julie’s book, and this is literally the first 2 sentences:

“Many people equate depression with the inability to work. In reality, the problem is often the inability to feel like working.”

That hit me directly in my core. It was like Julie was reading my inner soul and my mind at the same time. I couldn’t believe that I had missed that little depression voice in my head telling me I couldn’t do something if I didn’t feel like doing it. I can do things even when my brain tells me they’re impossible.

Each day is a battle with depression that doesn’t get any easier. But, armed with this new book and Julie’s insights, I’ve been able to win that battle every day for the past week. I decided to write a review for movie (which is something I always I say I would like to do) even though I didn’t feel like going through all of that tremendous effort of walking the 3 steps to my computer and using my brain for 10 minutes.

I felt myself sinking into my bed yesterday morning and decided to just get out of the bed, put on some clothes, and just go outside for a walk. I didn’t analyze that decision or contemplate if it was the correct or best thing to do at that moment; I just decided and did it.

I put my phone away and ignored all the noises it made for over an hour while I got my work on my online class done. And I didn’t negotiate with myself to take a bunch of unnecessary breaks after each 5-minute video. Instead, I pushed through that discomfort and kept going forward until the job was done.

Today, I used Chapter 10, Think Like an Athlete, to do my morning workout even though I just wanted to go back to sleep and felt like I couldn’t even move my body. I got out of the bed, brushed my teeth, and then just started working out. I didn’t think about how many sets or reps I had left or what I was going to do for the rest of the day. I just kept moving and let my mind focus on that. Now, I’m showered, being productive, talking to friends, and even writing in a journal just like I love to do normally.

Like I said before, every day is a battle. Every moment or choice feels like a fight, and it does not get easier. But I feel a whole lot better at the end of the day knowing I accomplished something I set out to accomplish. I feel good about myself because I am strong enough to do what needs to be done. And yeah, I’m a little sad that this feeling of confidence and victory will be gone and forgotten by the time I wake up. But, well, life sucks, so what are you gonna do?

At least now I’m moving forward in a sucky life instead of drowning in my own misery in a sucky life.

I started sharing some of the book and my personal experiences with some friends who also struggle with depression and they found it really helpful. I don’t have the answers, and I doubt I’m going to be a perfect role model every day, but I’d like to share my experiences and my journey as I try to get things done while I’m depressed.