Depression isn't just "sad"

Yes, I know you hear it all the time. You read all the facts and figures on depression. You see the commercials for depression medication, but if you haven’t felt it, really felt it, then it just looks on the outside like a person who is unreasonably sad. For those who have had others confide in depression, they end up confused when the person confiding in them has no real circumstances for sorrow. It could be someone who on the outside has everything any person would want to be happy, and we can’t understand why they don’t just focus on that and thank God for the wonderful things in their life so they can move forward and smile.

What you need to know when someone is brave enough to confide in you and admit they are depressed is one thing: they know all the wonderful and glorious things that make up their life, yet they feel absolutely nothing to their regard. What you need to understand is they are not feeling that way on purpose. They are not selfish or greedy in their sorrow for a desire for any more than they have. At the moment of their depression, they know one irrefutable fact: they feel absolutely nothing could give them a genuine smile. In some cases, depression in an individual is physically painful to the point where they are unable to get out of bed. Sometimes a person will lay down and cry for hours and sometimes days over the horrible feeling inside them. They’ll grow physically ill; they either won’t eat at all or won’t stop eating all the wrong things. Some turn to drugs and alcohol for a temporary high to band aid their pain. The saddest situation is when someone gives up altogether and takes their own life.

Ikeep reading and seeing items related to depression lately, and hearing multiple discussions where it’s a focal point of conversation. First and foremost, I am a firm believer people should seek therapists and admit to others when they do; I’m believer that for those who need it, a psychiatrist should be a part of their wellness plan as well. Moreover, I feel it shouldn’t be a shame or embarrassment to talk about seeing one or both of those professionals. We’ll easily admit we went to the dentist to have a cavity filled or a tooth removed, but we’ll bury why we’re going to the doctor the day we see our psychiatrist, and make up another story to the 45 minutes to an hour we sat in a therapists office. That upsets me. There should never be a point in someone’s life when they’re ashamed to admit they’re taking care of themselves. Someone can grow up with everything handed to them and still need a therapist to help them through why they feel empty at times. Another person can have what looks like the perfect life, but they’ve found a way to keep it stable and lucrative through a prescribed medication regimen. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. I’ve met people who were inspired to seek therapy for themselves because someone close to them admitted to seeing someone too. They knew they weren’t alone. Other people I know haven’t gone because so many people filled their head with stigma and shame rather than encouraging them and displaying pride in their care for their own well being. This is the problem–it’s not consistent.

I’ve felt the debilitating feeling of depression overwhelm me before, and I would be lying if I didn’t admit it still hits me from time to time. I’m not gonna lie to you either; it’ll hit me at times when everything is wrong and it’ll hit me at times when absolutely nothing seems to “permit” it. Depression is not your typical “holiday guest.” You don’t know when it’s going to knock on your door, you don’t have to provide an address or invitation, it just walks in, climbs inside you and makes itself at home. Trust me, nobody blocks out a planned period of time for depression to close the blinds and shut your lights off. It just happens. I’ve been blessed to reach a time in my life where I know how to manage it in a healthy way; my mental illness has never reached any substance addiction but I know where it has in others. I have a wonderful life with excellent people in my corner, but let me tell you when the grim knock of depression enters my life, it’s work to get out of it–but it’s possible.

So what do you do when someone admits they’re amidst a depression or they’re expressing unhappiness they can’t seem to merit or explain? Do you slap them in the face and tell them to snap out of it? Oh god, please don’t. Do you remind them of the wonderful things they have in their life? Honestly, it’s not going to help. If that person tells you “you don’t understand” do you ask them to make you understand? No, because the fact of the matter is they can’t. So what do you do? Now I’m not a qualified professional to provide the “right” answers, but I can tell you what’s helped me before.

Ask them what you can do to help. They may not have an answer to that question, but it’s a reminder you’re in their corner.

Remember they didn’t control the visit of depression at their doorstep, and you are at no fault of them, so don’t get angry at them for being “sad.” Instead, look for the little things they can control — cook with them, sit with them, if you’re in their home, pick up a few things around the house with them to tidy things up, make their bed with them. Pick a movie and watch it with them, play music that makes you happy and sing along. Take out a coloring book and have them color with you. If they don’t want to get out of bed, lay with them. If they don’t want to talk sit in silence. If you love them tell them you love them. If they believe in prayer, pray for them and pray with them. Be the light in the dark for them, and for the love of god remind them it’s going to be okay. Admit you don’t know if they ask you when; reach out your hand and remind them you’re not going anywhere. If they ask you why simply say “because, you matter.”

I’m not asking for the whole world to sit down and read the statistics and science of depression. I’m not asking for everyone to understand it completely because I don’t think anyone fully can. I’m just asking for people to stop shaming it and making it “taboo” in a world where it should have never been so. I don’t have all the answers of what you can do, but I know people who have sought therapy simply to gain advice on what to do with a loved one going through depression. There’s not a damn thing wrong with that either.

My name is Kimberlee. I have been depressed before, and I can’t promise I won’t suffer depression again, but I am #notashamed.