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Depression is real

what it's really like

By Johnny MPublished 3 years ago 10 min read
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Depression is real
Photo by Francisco Gonzalez on Unsplash

Depression was never supposed to be treated with medication. It was never to be talked to by a doctor who just prescribes you them. Depression is a real feeling that no one but real people who love you can help. But sometimes, no one is ever there so you're stuck fighting your own demons. Most people will tell you that it's in your head, that it isn't something that exists, until it hits them and then realizes that they were telling the truth. it's not ok to sit in your room and think of everything that has already happened or things that could happen. Talk to someone about your emotions before it kills you or potentially ruins your life. Do not go to a doctor just because someone recommends it. Do not take medication that someone will recommend because it only suppresses how you really feel for a few hours until you have to take another one again. Seek real positive things that will help. I, for one, have not seeked out for help but that's only because I'm different. There's 3 different types of people in this world when it comes to depression. The one that chooses to talk to someone, the one that keeps a smile on his or her face acting like everything is ok and only worries about everyone else and then there's those who isolate themselves and pushes people away. The third one would be me. My story goes like this, when I was a young boy, I grew up in a small town, small neighborhood, small school, so not really many people to hang around, especially as a kid. Since the time I was in the 4th grade, I was consistently bullied. I only had one friend, he helped me through a lot of my pain but it all ended when he met other friends. Of course, we hung out occasionally but even the time I got into a fight in the 6th grade and got punched in the nose, he didn't jump in as I thought he would. Growing up, I had no one, my parents worked, so I was lonely. I got sent to see a therapist because I told my counselor that I was seeing things, which I was, and got put on medication but they never worked. When it came to parties, I thought that I would be able to finally play with someone and make a friend but instead I got tackled from behind and got chocked with two hands for no reason while my uncles and cousins stood there laughing at me. It was always trouble for me.

By Alessio Lin on Unsplash

So in all, I was bullied almost my entire life. I've lost so many people, so many opportunities that flew out the door all because I stayed depressed and stayed to myself. Never reached out to no one, didn't want to move forward. The times I did, it felt like something was always holding me back. Family would judge me, every time I wanted to be something in my life I was turned down by someone saying "You can't do that, how many people from where we live actually do that or even make it?" it was always someone in the middle downing me. Teachers told my parents graduation was impossible for me but I proved them wrong about that, I thought I would go to college but money was an issue, didn't even know how to do my FAFSA so I gave up. Found my first few jobs in the small town area until I finally decided to move to a somewhat bigger town. Thought everyone was friendly but they weren't. I met a girl who assaulted me and treated me like absolute crap. These things just made my depression worse, after she left my life was supposed to be a little easier but instead it got harder. My car was towed, I had no job, no money, my rent was months overdue, I lived in a shitty 2 bedroom trailer with no water heater so the water was always cold, even in the winter time. The trailer had holes where even snakes could get in through so there was always gnats, wasps, and other insects in the house. It was bad. Bad enough to the point where I had become anorexic and stayed in a hot bed literally dying with unwashed sheets and I always smelt because my water had been cut off. Finally, after 2 months of hell, my family, whom I didn't want them near me while I was the way I was, picked me up and took me home. A real home with water, food which I never had, lights and an air conditioner. Although the first 2 weeks was rough due to my anorexia, I stayed focused on bettering myself and got out of it. Of course, it came with a price, my metabolism I once had was gone. Everything I ate, didn't digest properly so I got fat. No more skinny me, just a belly fat young boy who ended up going to college after a year of graduating high school. (yes a year, even after everything that happened to me) I thought, this is it, I made it to college and so many things were going to happen. Good things. Just when I had thought that everything was going good and my depression was no longer with me, it happened again. I went from being so happy and enjoying time with my roommates, to one of them hating me and threatening to beat my ass. I moved out of my own apartment into a new one. These roommates had became great friends of mine. We even started a ghost hunting team. Yes I know most of you think that's so childish or it's not real, whatever, but it was real to us. we had a whole group of people and it actually felt like I belonged somewhere. My girlfriend at the time, was even in the group and I guess after being with her for some time, the group eventually split up. It went from, a group of 3 investigating a cemetery and one of them getting so cold even though it was in September and still warm, to a group of 8. One unfortunately due to a fight had gotten kicked out as we had made our own policies to our club. The boys eventually found a new friend and left me behind as well as my girlfriend, leaving me devastated and alone. I was so determined to still go back to school because I wanted my education in the film industry so bad and went back for my second semester. This is when things got out of hand. When I arrived to school again, I had no apartment until the next day so I had no choice but to bunk with someone until then. That night though, sitting on the bench next to the walkway of the apartment complexes was a girl who seemed bored and no one to talk to so being the gentleman that I was, I offered to have her hang out with us in our apartment with snacks and a movie but sadly refused. A couple of days later after finally moving into my own apartment and getting everything set up, she found me and sat in front of me in a building called the BCM where everyone went every Wednesday for a lecture of the bible. She told me eventually some guy wouldn't leave her alone so I offered to take her out and get away from the apartment complex.

By x ) on Unsplash

After 4 months of a wonderful relationship, it all fell apart... again. But as all relationships, at least most of them, they never last. Things fall in place eventually but you have to get hurt to know what not to do next time and what to look out for. We as humans suffer so much pain and guilt and then after a year, you look back and say, "I'm glad it's over." I'm not going to fiddle or lie about it but 7 months later after 2020 came around, I finally thought I had met my endgame. A girl who was sweet and caring, funny and loving, had a little stage which I loved so much and thought everything was so good about her came around unexpectedly. That relationship, even though it led to never finishing college and moving back and forth several times then having a kid and still jumping house to house, she eventually became my wife. But, I don't know what happened after. One minute we are happy with each other, or at least I was and the next she's out cheating on me with several different guys. I had never once cheated, never in my life and I never once told her a lie and always gave her what she wanted and it felt as if I was taken advantage of because of her thinking I was soft . Now, today as I sit here writing this, my wife is currently in the other room talking to some other Hispanic guy who she doesn't know so good and already has his picture on her lock screen wallpaper and home screen. Waiting to get divorced to me soon after I move out of here. I was told to be controlling, how is getting mad and not trusting someone who has cheated on you with multiple guys controlling. I mean I guess you could consider it like that but for those who have been through hell and back like I have in every single relationship, you lose yourself. You lose who you once were inside and turn into a completely different person. How does someone recover from that? How does someone crawl out of the hole their in and go back to the good person they once were? I'm lost and it kills me inside, I feel like I have nothing at this point. But at the same time, things happen for a reason and we just don't know why it happens but it just does. I really thought after meeting her for the first time, she was my endgame. Now it's hard to even think or see that her endgame is someone else and not me.

By Tammy Gann on Unsplash

For all of you depressed folks out there reading this, don't give up brothers and sisters, I'm in the same boat with you. I push people away the most by not talking about how I feel. Just like my inspirational character Jughead from Riverdale, he was always alone, he shut everyone out because deep down he was really alone and depressed but was so good at suppressing his emotions. Until he met his Betty. Go find your rock, your Betty, your anchor. Or wait, there's always a saying that your love of your life will come to you unexpectedly. it doesn't matter if it takes 2 years, just do it. Focus on yourself. Don't take your pain away by fighting, drinking, cutting or bottling your pain in. Seek a trustworthy person to help. We're in this together. I want yawl to know that things may seem hard right now but in time things have to get better. In the meantime, do what makes you happy. Love who you are and find out things about yourself so that when that special someone does come along, you'll be prepared. You will know what you want and what you don't want. Good luck to all of you out there. God be with your soul and take you to the light of success and happiness. You are not alone.

depression
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About the Creator

Johnny M

Hi there, I’m John. I’m most best at writing horror stories and articles. I do write my own movie, tv scripts and books so keep a look out on a my name and hope you enjoy what i write.

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