Depression feels like Drowning

*WARNING*

This is mostly a sad post and I want to express my feelings through writing. Sometimes it may go of balance but the point is still there. Meaning it can sometimes sound like a poem. (Just letting you guys know! I’m sorry ahead of time😭)

Alone, unwanted, despair, and failure is how I feel when I have depression. As if I’m drowning in an ocean reaching out for help but no one comes. Watching the air bubbles go out of my mouth as I fear knowing my demons have taken over. Feeling the pain of torment and rage flowing into my lungs consuming every each of my body! Then I stop...I can feel my body go numb.

Laying there in this big body of water filled with emotions has won the game. I feel myself becoming cold as my demons laugh at me and then whisper. “You are nothing!” “You aren’t going to be anything special in life so might as well kill yourself” “Your only option now is to go right? I mean when anyone really miss you?! HAHAHAAHAHA..”.. I look left and right shaking my head telling my demons they are wrong! I breathe heavily knowing I’m going into a panic attack. Holding onto my throat trying to calm myself down but it wasn’t working!!

Then everything go black...I wake up crying next to my boyfriend as I turn to him and I gently shake him. Baby I can’t sleep...please baby I had a nightmare...please wake up.. my tears continue to fall from my eyes while he wakes up to me shaking him. Asking what’s wrong he hugs me tightly...all I could do was cry and cry and go into a panic attack. I thought to myself it’s real! I’m going to dying like this! All I could say to my lover was “I’m sorry” over and over and over again!

Then I felt something soft and warm on my cheek as if a soft warm light had appeared in the water with me. I look up and it was my boyfriend telling me that it’s okay. That I have nothing to be sorry for and that I’m trying to do my best! He tells me if I ever have an attack like that again I just need to breathe in through my nose and exhale out my mouth. I felt myself calming down and I fall back to sleep in his arms.

This time I come back into the ocean but I have this light with me. Giving me hope that I have to face my demons! That I am amazing and strong and beautiful! Knowing that now I am not alone..not anymore. So as I get over this depression I will learn something from my demons and ask them why are you like this? Why do you want me to kill myself!? Why won’t you stop!! Thinking about these questions I think that those “demons” is just myself..my inner self and how I actually feel.

For those who are reading this I may of had my boyfriend to cheer me up but you can have a friend or a dog, cat, teacher or whatever to help you through times like this. It’s not worth it. Don’t do it. I know that your life may not be diamonds and awesomeness but it’s okay! Cherish the people who love you now that care about you! Change if YOU don’t feel happy about it. Like my mom always says “The only one who can make you happy is YOU”. Push yourself! It may be hard but it will work out in the end! Trust me it will!!! I believe in you!