by Daniel Clare 5 months ago in depression

How does it make you feel?


I was normal once. I know I was; I had a reasonably normal and stable family unit. I was loved and cared for; I never went without. I had everything I needed, although not knowing at the time. I never fell on hard times, but learnt life's hard lessons fast. I was never wrapped in cotton wool, but my parents tried to protect me from the harsh reality of the world.

I know I was normal once, I had to be. I remember some times when I was normal, but they are clouded now with the hate, pain and loathing I have for myself now.

I remember being happy, I know I have been and sometimes I feel it. I know that I was once happy most the time and didn’t let the bad bits of life hurt me, but now I struggle to remember what happy is. I struggle to remember how to smile and find joy.

I never had to wear a mask; despite the bullies and the hate from others, I was proud to be myself. I never had to wear a mask because I didn’t care what people thought of me, as long as I had love from those I cared about, I was fine. But now I struggle to remember what my real face is; the masks I wear just as much a part of me now as my own skin.

I remember when life held wonder, that there was so much I wanted to do. I remember a time when I never wanted to sit still, never wanted not to be doing nothing. I remember a time when writing let me escape into my worlds of unlimited possibilities. But now there is nothing for me, I feel numb and disconnected from the world of grey. Even my worlds hold nothing for me.

I suffer from depression, and is has done so much more then make me sad or upset sometimes. It has tainted my memories, taken the colour and happiness I once had. The harder I fight it, the stronger it is. I fear that one day it will consume me. I am scared that one day I will not remember, I will not feel, and I will not care.

There are so many people that want to help, say I can turn to them, but I can’t bare to say a word to them. Not for fear of ridicule or fear of explaining, But because I have no faith in myself and therefore lost faith in others. Sometimes I stand in a room full of people and fell an intense loneliness, as if I was standing in a dark cave with no one. Sometimes I feel I am screaming my heart out but no one hears me.

I know I was happy, normal, and found joy in the world. But I am fast losing the memory. I am fast losing my will, and fast losing my nature. As I lose myself, I seem to lose those around me, as I lose myself, I seem to lose the love others had for me.

How is this fair? how is this just? Was I that evil? Was I that bad? Have I tainted my soul that much that it is now affecting my life? if I have then there is nothing left for me here, there is nothing left for me in the world. Should I fade into the night? As the stars fade when the sun comes up. Would anyone care, would anyone remember me? Not this sad pathetic man that sit alone and cries. But remember the person I once was, happy and loving. Remember the true me and not the masks I wear.

Daniel Clare
Daniel Clare
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Daniel Clare
See all posts by Daniel Clare