Depression+anxiety +loneliness

my name is Johnny and I’m depressed, cuz when I was little at the age of 6/7 I started to get beaten up by my sisters father, for not knowing how to learn proberly, and for crying, I used to get beaten up so bad that I didn’t even want to exist anymore or do anything but I had to learn or accept it bcuz I didn’t want to be beaten up, and at school I get bullied by most of my class mates for not knowing the things they know, and they used to call me names and I would be crying when I go back home then I got beat up, I was only 6/7, and once my mother finally broke up with him after 6 month’s we finally went back home bcuz we were in another village cuz of her ex boyfriend, but after that we weren’t so happy, my brother started beating me up too, and sometimes they used to try to kill me, for not knowing what exactly I should be doing, I never really felt love from my family since she was with her ex boyfriend, I used to say, y’all are faking the love for me, what am I even existing for, you guys just hurt me all the time when I’m trying to learn or do something I want, I used to be so scared of my family, I always felt like I was going to die from getting beaten up, it felt like I was living in hell, but I kept trying to understand, and my cousin committed suicide when I was 9 and my brother lost a best friend, and he lost him self he started drinking when he was 16/17 and he tried to follow her, and he became hard on the whole family, evertime we say no he starts beating us up, or break our stuff, so my other brother had to hide from him all the time so that he wouldn’t get beaten up, and when he’s not home I had to be doing stuff for my big brother, and I get beaten up, but while I was going through those my friend accidentally got run over by a motor bike, and I was watching him, it felt like it was my fault bcuz I wanted to run through the street when the motor bike was going very fast, and he started running then got run over, I frozen for like a whole 5 mins cuz I couldn’t believe what I just witnessed, I was 9 that time and he died at the age of 11, we ran closer to him and there was blood all around him his leg broke, he’s ears was bleeding, the blood was coming out of his mouth and he black out but he worked up just for a minute when he’s mother got there, he was quitely saying mom mom, and I was just so shocked there I didn’t know what to think or do and I was very young, I felt so bad and sad, and he got rushed to the nursing station, and I run there, and lots where there too, he was in nursing bed, and they tried to help him out, but he’s stopped breathing and the bubbles were coming out of his mouth and ears, and then passed away, me and my brother went home crying bcuz he was our cousin and I witnessed it, but my brother kept also beating us up, and he finally moved to my fathers but when he was with him he committed suicide, and my other brother lost him self he almost became like him, I was more afraid of him, bcuz he was stronger then he was, he used to beat me up so bad even when I was sleeping I used to get beaten up, I wake up to pain, and he started throwing knifes at me but luckily never got me, he even threw the hockey puck and scissors, but he still missed me by an few inches, and it was the last time he beaten me up, I was 14 that time, he stopped bcuz he realize that I would just become a monster and bigger then him which is I’am now, I mean I’m not saying I’m a monster I’m just quite bigger, he realizes that I would try to payback like once I can beat him up like he really wanted to with my big brother but when he was really mad at him my big bro committed suicide and turn to me, and he stopped, he said sorry when he had said that he’ll never be sorry but he said it and once he said it he help me cleaning up my self from the bleeding on my nose he put ice on the swollen and he said I’ll never do that again but you have to understand that you have to listen, listen carefully, but I was still afraid of him, but it has stopped, but my depression kept going for my cousin’s and brother and when my mom gave birth to a beautiful girl, she was born all purple and she only lived for 4 hours she couldn’t make it, I was just always sad and depressed, then I had anxiety cuz everytime I do something people never liked it they make fun of me they bullied me and I tried ending my life many times I started doing drugs and sniffing gas, but I actually started drinking at the age of 9, cuz I lost a friend and my cousin committed suicide and my mom alcoholic when I was a child, I used to steal her alcohol when she got really drunk, and when I was 5 I started smoking cigarettes, I was tought by my friend, and I started smoking weed when I was 10/11 and my mom started giving me cigarettes at the age of 11, and marijuana at the age of 14, and I always just tried to smoke weed and breaking and entering, I started getting arrested and went to the rehab at 15, but I was really depressed and had a lot of anxiety, I cried most of the nights there thinking of ending my life, so they moved me to an open unit, boys unit, and I was kinda scared cuz I didn’t really know how to speak English, cuz everyone speaks English there, my first language is tau, which they call inuit, and I was in a boys unit for a whole year and I felt better, cuz I was doing all the stuff I loved, I played sports, all of them I had thee trophy cuz I was showing up all to the sports, but I really loved football I was one of the best, and baseball, but during the winter I got discharged, my brother had a kid, and we moved to another house, which where my uncle committed suicide and I started dreaming where he committed suicide it’s always the darkest and I get sleep paralysis and once I felt like I teleported to another house but I could still hear my brother talking my room was dark and felt like I teleported to my old room my room got bigger and the lights were on, but once I’m about to be able to move I got back to a dark room where I was sleeping and heard a breath right beside me, and I was alone, and when my brother moved to our old apartment, I became a lot depressed I tried ending my life, but then I had a girlfriend at the age of 16/17 two three years ago, and we weren’t happy together, but we were for just a month or two, but she also got pregnant, I didn’t want that to happen but that was her decision, I wanted to make her happy cuz she easily got sad, and her whole family is an alcoholic, and she was tired of taking care of her siblings, so she got pregnant, I mean I got her pregnant cuz she wanted to, and the family never really liked me but I never understand why, in the first day they never liked me her auntie used to middle finger at me, but I just smiled, and I felt like I’m not enough all the time, and I we were tired and we weren’t happy cuz we had to dealt with her whole family I helped a lot, I tried to do what they asked me to doo, but they wanted me to be super human, but they make me feel like I’m not enough for her so I make myself that person I made myself not enough we broked up I mean she broke up with me and try to leave me to another guy, but the guys were just too scared of me, so they never had her, and she did the abortion cuz she didn’t want to have anything from me which was she regret, but it happened anyway and I’m still free, not dealing with baby but I still cry to this day, not cuz of her cuz of the child cuz I’m afraid of god, I’m just a believer, but for all of these I want to work hard I have my dream job, I worked 11 hours a day but I can’t work right now cuz of covid but I’ll go back when I can, I still get depressed cuz the person I loved left to another country but still in Canada but far but she left bcuz of her job, so it’s kinda hard for me but I still have to focus on my dreams I will see her in the future anyway, so I choose to work harder and try to get my family happier then eve, I just want everything to change, I try to help my mom, but people still judge me, but they won’t understand anyway so I’m still trying and just focusing on my dreams and my family and the people that cares about me,my family is getting better, I used to always think about giving up, but I used all the pain from the past as my strength, I’m still trying to improve myself, I still think about giving up but i know I will never, just focusing on the people I love and I care about and my family and my dreams that makes me want to never give up and all the past I was in, I hope this life story help it’s my own life not someone else’s my life that I lived in, I just want this to help out to the people that went through as I went through I’m still learning, but sometimes I still feel like I’m not enough for people but I don’t give up, that’s why I put my story up here, to help many people as I can and to the people that went through so much, I hope it helps them, I’m happy if it does,