Depression

Should I even bother writing any of this down? I feel like it will just be discovered, read, and then used against me. These would be my feelings, my thoughts, and my emotions. These are not to be read then used against me yet somehow I feel they will be. Nothing feels safe anymore or should I say private.

I feel trapped, almost suffocated. I am definitely in bed with my depression. Damn near one thousand percent and it is winning. It has engulfed me to where I only see a little brightness lingering at the end of a long tunnel. It is tossing me about so that I can not get a barring on where I need to find my footing. I tiptoe on the edge of what it will let me, but then it laughs and changes its mind. Sucking me back into its darkness.

Drowning in the darkness it makes no sense to hold my hand out. It caresses my hand and intertwines with it my fingers. It pulls my hand down, so I don’t fight to hold it out anymore.

I hold both hands close to me to avoid the pain of them being interfered with. Curling slowly into a fetus position, letting things go. The swirl above and all around is intense, dark, and cold.

Once you have become used to it, it is harder each time to fight. It becomes a place that invites you to stay and spend time. It pulls a chair up and sits you at its table for dinner. It covers you up when it shows you a place to nap. It becomes very familiar, almost like a second home. Even sometimes your first home.

The more you visit and become intertwined, it is a familiarity. As much as you hate it there, it is a place that you can navigate, unless you submit all the way. Then and only then can the light be fully gone. The footing is lost, no tiptoeing, no expectations, no hope, just fully engulfed in the darkness.

You fluff your pillow and make sure you are comfortable as this can be a long stay. Long stays are harder to leave. You become so comfortable laying in the darkness that outside of it now becomes the unfamiliar. The outside seems strange and unforgiving. The looks and the judgment from others who may have not danced with depression now become too much.

You retreat now to the safe space it has made for you. It welcomes you with open arms and a cold embrace. It sits you down and lets you spill out all your fears, aggravations, anger, and emotions. It grows stronger feeding off of them. It gives you a tissue to wipe your tears away all the while it smiles behind a false caring face. Almost with a grimacing smile it shows you to your solitaire bed in a room that is surrounded by swirling blackness.

Words and thoughts seem to float around and taunt you. Zooming past you, the statements leave a breeze that caress your face. They almost whisper to you as they fly past you. Reminding you of the different pains and situations from which they came. Quiet reminders swirl all around showing you again and again why you are here. Laughing about, watching you sink deeper and deeper into that bed.

It wants you to stay for as long as it can keep you. It feeds off of you almost embellishing in the fact you are here. Not to mention the situations that have caused your visit. It cares not of helping you, only to keep you longer each stay.

Medications you say? Yeah I think not. These only cause more issues that work together with depression. No, chemicals are not meant for this body. They present more side effects then they do good. Poison, you can keep them. I kindly decline with a no thank you.

I will eventually find that light again even if it is just a morsel. I have fought this fight since I was a little girl. It is not even a fight really, it is a peace treaty almost. I choose a mask to wear and never let my guard down enough for anyone to see that I am holding hands with it.

Years it has been like this, almost like how Venom is inside its host. I guess it will be a dark friend till the end. I guess I have to find a way to keep the peace and keep the treaty valid. I visit often unless my stay is extended and then the fight is how I stated above. You always have to find a fine balance not too much one way or it will backfire. Not too much the other as you will drown. Delicate balance……..