I'm not okay. :(


I'm just going to straight up say it: I AM DEPRESSED.

I have not said these words out loud to anyone. Not a single person. Not even the people I love. Not my boyfriend of three years...

Even if I were to tell my loved ones, what do I even say?

How it all began?

Hmm... how I became depressed? Hmmm, not too sure, but I think it was high school? Well I can't exactly pinpoint exactly when depression took over my life.

When I say I HATED high school, I really mean I HATED high school. High school was the worst, WORST time of my life. Around sophomore year, I basically lost all my friends. I was bullied. I was constantly being called names: snitch, bitch, ugly, horrible, etc. Bullied for something that I didn't even do. I didn't do anything but do the right thing. (I don't want to tell this story because it will give up my identity. I currently am hiding behind the screen writing about how I truly feel).

So basically I lost ALL of my friends. My "best friend" was my guidance counselor, and I loved her. She was there for me when my "real" best friend wasn't. I would eat lunch with her at times, or even be with her during my study halls. She really made me feel like I was worth it, and I wasn't some piece of trash. I know it was her job for her to do that for me, but IDK it felt different.

I thought I had "healed" my depression.

I dealt with my depression. During high school, my family members knew I was depressed. Them knowing was the only way for me to go to therapy. At first, I was hesitant to talk to my therapist. I didn't like the fact that I was going to therapy in the beginning. I was so afraid that people at my school were going to find out.

"Go cry to your therapist," "You have a shrink, you depressed fuck?" My "friends," horrible friends, would say those words to my face, and through text message. All they wanted to do was bring me down, and attack me. It worked, they brought me to the lowest point of my life. They constantly judged me, called me names, talked behind my back. I just don't understand why people would attack each other like that. Bring each other down, tear each other apart. Where was the love and support that I needed?

However, therapy did really help, and I was no longer ashamed that I attended therapy. It was nice to talk to a very unbiased person who gave me her true opinions.

After going to therapy for a year and a half, I thought I "healed" my depression. I made new friends in high school after all the DRAMA died down. I thought I was better. I really thought I had "healed" my depression. I thought it was gone. I hoped that it disappeared.

Depression Hits Me Again

Freshman year of college around second semester, my depression and anxiety hits me again, but this time around it hit me even harder. I constantly cried everyday. I had no motivation to do anything. All I wanted to do was sleep. Shameless plug here, but if you want to know how my depression started again, read my first article "Why I am NO longer Pre-Med." (Love the shameless plug).

As a biochemistry major, the workload is crazy. I had multiple quizzes every week, almost over 10 long homework assignments, exams every single week. I was BURNT OUT. I realized that school was to blame. It all started because of school. High school and college; the Dynamic Duo.

What I don't understand is why I continue to go to school if school is the reason why I am depressed. I know. Because in today's society, without a college degree (sometimes not even a Bachelor's degree), you can not get a stable job. It's hard to find a good paying job without a college education.

I know that I can never "get rid of," or "heal" my depression. It will always be apart of me no matter how old I am. I will never forget the harsh times I endured, and will endure in the future. I hope that one day I can appreciate my depression, because it shapes who I will become.

Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
See all posts by K S