Depression

Depression...

The depths of this sickness that inhabits more than half the population is dark. Lost, in a hole, you can't ever find your way out. My name is Bri, I have suffered from chronic massive depression since I was 8 years old. As a child, my father didn't want to accept the realization that I had a problem. This would only fuel the fire further.

When I turned 10, I sliced my wrist open for the first time. I was home, upstairs in my room, the fighting hadn't stopped. My parents weren't the happiest people. They argued and fought constantly; sure they loved each other but not enough to stop. All through the night I could hear them, I fell asleep as usual and then it happened.

The door slammed. My mother crying. Screaming, "Please don't Jody!" All I could hear from upstairs is, "Why?! Why don't you go over to him and f*** him?! For f****** drugs?!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry please don't!"

"GET OUT OF MY F****** HOUSE BEFORE I F****** KILL YOU!" I didn't know what to do, I was scared. Crying. Hating. Feeling nothing but a darkness inside.

I looked out the window of my room which over looked the long gravel driveway that led up to our house. Two vehicles, a little red beat up truck and a large green minivan sat in the driveway as they always did. I shared the loft with my sister which my father had converted into two bedrooms. She was 2. I looked to where she slept; she slept peacefully in her bed, unaware of all the hate and anger going on in the outside world.

I envied her.

I turned back to the window and as I looked...

"I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!"

My mothers face into the windshield of the minivan...

That night I didn't understand why I did it, but I grabbed the sharpest thing I could, a safety pin, and began to scratch. Harder, harder, faster, deeper. The safety pin had broken through my skin and dug into my wrist. I pushed as hard as I could. The pain didn't bother me, in fact, it made me feel so much better. It wasn't until I was older that I understood.

Screaming and then Silence...

Some say this is the sound of forgiveness. I agree with them. Those of us with depression many don't understand. "Just stop feeling like that, be happy." I wish it was that simple. Even today as I still suffer from it, my husband is lost to how he can help. I tell him to just be there but then I push him away. I push to keep him from hurting too because I know it hurts. I cry alone, I'm sad alone. I carry this burden alone to keep it from my loved ones but you can only carry it so long before it drives you mad.

The screaming comes from inside. A silent screaming.

But there is hope.

Don't push them away. Let them hold you, let them love you, let them help. Sometimes all we need is to be held. To be told its okay. To be told it will be okay doesn't always work, sometimes it makes me cry more because it develops the feeling of hopelessness. But when my husband keeps telling me that it's okay it gets better. He holds me and I let him. I've been trying to stop running from him.

It's hard. I get it. Believe you me I get it. But in the end, it's a lot better than the alternative. I still have trouble with self-harm, but I have found a better alternative. I got a tattoo gun on my 24th birthday. When I feel that urge, that urge to hurt, I pull out the tattoo kit and I work. I have added many beautiful pieces to my body instead of the ugly scars I used to leave. Sometimes I lapse and I feel terrible about it, but the next time it comes along. I make art.

I can't tell you it will be okay, I can't tell you there's a cure because there's not. But it does get easier to handle it. It gets easier to take the medications, to go to therapy, to get help. The medications never work for me so I have to take an alternative route (i.e. tattoos) but don't ever give up. Find what works. Because in depression, the silent suffering, we don't always have to suffer alone.

You are worth it. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are wanted. You are appreciated. You are someone. YOU ARE YOU. And even if you don't want to be, someone out there wants you to be. So be it. Live. Don't become a . continue on as a ;

My story isn't over yet. Neither is yours. Don't end the best book in the world before it needs to end.

<3