Demons

It’s a constant battle between my self and who I’ve become.

It used to be fun and light-hearted

But quickly became dark and unsettling

There’s no middle ground.

For me

It’s all or nothing

It’s a battle between who I am and who I was

Or who I’ve become and who I wanna be

There’s no me though

It’s all a dream world

Is it real or just a high that we all chase

Keep chasing because it’ll only get deeper

And the deeper you sink the darker you think

Thinking becomes a constant fight

Between your two selves.

The one still fighting for your life and the one fighting your life away

One of you wants to live

The other wants it to end

There is no winning because there’s never an end.

You no longer have any friends

You’re left with yourself and your demons

The demons YOU'VE created

Won’t leave you alone until they get what they came for

Your soul is all they’re after

Sell your soul to the devil the whispers taunt you

And every night your dreams will haunt you

It’s never really over

Even in recovery it’s all still there

You’re just no longer feeding the demon

But instead feeding your inner feeling of feigning

You constantly want that feeling

You crave it, you constantly feel the demon inside waiting for you to let go of your pride

To eat away at you slowly

Torturing you with every waking moment.

It’s supposed to get better but no matter how long you’ve been recovering

Your title will still be addict

“Recovering addict” for the rest of your life

How does it feel to never have another title

Because no matter what you’ve done since your last high you will always remain that same addict if you let yourself in the slightest slip away

Just one more time, one more high

It’ll just be a never ending cycle of the addict running from the demon in order to stay in recovery only to relapse and end up in an even worse situation than before

Every relapse is worse and worse

No matter how long you’ve been clean , once you give in, it all goes down the drain.

You start over and everyday is a constant battle between staying sober or numbing the pain you’ve managed to subside for as long as you’ve been high

Being high used to seem so care free and so harmless

Until you were harming yourself to get away from the thing you used to get away from the initial feeling to begin with

Think about that. You felt something you didn’t want to. You used substances to numb the pain. Then you were there doing something you didn’t really want to be doing to yourself only to feel something again, anything, even if it’s excruciating pain.

Pain is usually the first feeling we get back. We inflict pai ourselves and the ones we love just so we are aware that we can in fact still feel something.

It’s not the same now.

The pain feels good because you hurt yourself too long

Trying to get away from the thoughts the high has brought upon you.

You’re now hurting the people who love you the most but without even realizing what you’re doing to hurt them because you’re so deep within this darkness.

How could you possibly even fathom the thought of what you’re doing to a loved one when all you want is for the pain to end.

Not the physical pain but the pain you’ve brought upon yourself throughout all those years of pushing away your emotions through substance abuse because you didn’t want to deal with these flooding emotions so you just seized them but did you realize that when the time came for you to end your journey with the devil these feelings would come flooding in tenfold

Only this time it’s so overwhelming and you have nothing to turn to because you’ve numbed yourself to the point where numbing doesn’t even work to subside the pain anymore.

Using just makes you feel worse

Instead of forgetting now you just remember every thing. Every single emotion. Every little thing flowing through your body as if you’re the host to someone else’s life.

Except it’s not someone else’s. It’s your life now. The one you so badly tried to run from is now catching up to you only now it’s on overdrive and it’s so overwhelming you have no where to hide. You have nothing left to ride. The wave isn’t a ride you want to be on anymore because instead of taking the pain away all it does is over flood your body with emotions of pain, remorse, guilt and shame.

All the things you were so afraid to face before all of this is the one thing you stare straight into the face as you try to get your life under control. The control you had no longer exists. It doesn’t belong to you any more. It belongs to the demons that lie inside of you. They control you.

They stop you from becoming the best you possible because there’s always that negative thought of “ I’ll always be an addict” even when I’m clean I’m still just a “recovering addict” so what’s the point to life after addiction some may ask. Well there’s more to that than I can even begin to describe here.

Don’t give up.

The end of this journey is near. So please, I beg of you, wipe those tears and have no fear.

One day you’ll look back and see the demon you overcame staring back at you. Only this time you’ll hear nothing, it’ll be still and you’ll have reached your goals and the past will be left in the rear. It’ll be a faint memory, that of which made you who you are today who you’ve always wanted to be.

The real you, the real me, whoever that may be. I am grateful. I am blessed and I will no longer stress.

What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, and from that I’ve gained immense power.

The past is gone and you have the power to keep it there. The future seems exciting.

I’m thriving, all because of the things I went through. Every experience is a blessing, even when it’s hidden, it’s just a lesson. These life experiences make you the person you are today so appreciate everything life has to offer. Even through suffering comes immense breakthroughs. You can choose to learn or continue going through these lessons again and again until you learn and choose to grow.

Breathe in the positive energy and exhale the negative thoughts that you have the power to dismiss from your mind.

Stay Awake. See all that fails you only stems from something you’re lacking within.

Everything turns out the way it should, whether you want it or not. If it’s not the outcome you want, then it’s not the end.

#thegreatawakening