Dear You

by Allie Bushong about a year ago in coping

The Unfortunate Events of Life

Dear You

Friday: September 8th, 2017 (4:39 PM)

Today was just an ordinary day, with a few exceptions, of course. Luke brought his girlfriend to the group to the group today and I honestly didn't know that things could be so awkward.

As of yesterday, I have officially dropped out of AP Psychology. Everyone is worried that my PTSD and anxiety will be triggered because we talk about suicide, abuse, and stuff like that. But my teacher let me keep the textbook and continues to give me the assignments just for fun because he understands that I really do truly love the class. I have no idea why I find it so fascinating. Maybe it's because I like to ask questions that don't necessarily have answers.

I already miss the kids and it's only been about a month since I last saw them. It's insane how attached to them I am. A lot of people find it creepy and weird, but whatever. They can get over it. I can't help the fact that I love my job and the people that I work with.

"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning"

- Allie Bushong

Sunday: September 17th, 2017 (8:39 PM)

Have you ever felt truly alone and didn't know how to cope with it? Well that's what's happening to me right now. It happens often but it has never been this rough.

Things with my dad are going okay, for now. Therapy is fine. They're mostly concerned about my anorexia and my ability to cope with anxiety. I love how they think that putting me on Prozac with automatically fix me. Well, it doesn't.

I am so fucking done with people saying they are going to do something, and then either leaving or forgetting. And then they all tell me to get over it. I hate when people say that to me because it makes me feel like they are trying to dismiss how I feel.

Why am I writing to you? I already know that you'd find this super weird and creepy.

"We all feel the pain."

- Allie Bushong

Friday: October 6th, 2017 (7:15 PM)

I am about to admit things to you that I have never admitted to anyone. A lot has been happening these past couple of weeks. I was feeling very done with life so I went to a few choice friends and asked whether they would care if I killed myself or not. Isaac said that he would care. Then he told me that he had liked me for a very long time. I found out today that he had lied to me. He told what he thought that I would want to hear in order to make me feel better about myself. I can't begin to describe how it made me feel. I had been played.

I've always questioned suicide and living, but it has come to the point where I am thinking about it constantly and asking myself what would happen if I was gone. Who would be happy? Who would be sad? What would people do? What would the affect be? What would change? Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to die, and then look back on those in your life. I know that that sounds really weird, but I need to tell someone.

"I won't question it."

- Allie Bushong

Wednesday : October 11th, 2017 (7:17 PM)

Today is the day that I saved a life. She was going to kill herself. But by reading my text message, she's still alive. I don't know how to feel about it. She's so young and quiet. It's scary to know that she is questioning life. Whenever I question my life, I am never really worried because I feel like my life doesn't matter and I think that I will continue to believe that. Anyways, whenever someone else questions their life, I do everything in my power to stop it. It's emotionally draining, but I may have made someone's day better. I may have made them happy, which, in turn, makes me feel proud and happy.

I want to take a long break from social media and not get back on for a while. I think that it will probably be really beneficial for me. Maybe I will finally be able to focus on my grades again so that I don't fail out of high school.

"We're just trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat."

- Allie Bushong

How does it work?
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