Dear Anxiety...

Dear Anxiety,

I hate you, but I don’t know how to get rid of you.

You’re the abusive partner I don’t know how to leave. You’re the voice inside my head that won’t shut the fuck up. You’re my bully in school that has nothing better to do.

You’re my low self-esteem screaming at the top of her lungs, begging to be better.

When it started, we were only quiet acquaintances. I could pass you on the street knowing who you were, but never needing to acknowledge you…but you became harder to ignore. You forced your way into my life despite all my resistance and you began to feed me your little lies.

You told me bad things would happen.

You told me I would be uncomfortable.

You told me I would fail.

You told me I would get hurt.

I believed you, I believed all of it.

Why would you lie? Why would you make me feel this way if it wasn't the truth? But it wasn't the truth, was it?

You took away opportunities, you made me avoid life. I was sick with fear of the world. Everything was awful, and I was just so fragile. The lies I told my friends to get out of things. The dates I cancelled last minute. The parties and events I didn't go to, the people I didn't meet. It was all your fault.

I was kidnapped by my own mind and I tried to escape. The coping mechanisms, the therapy, the medication…they all did their best to help, but somehow you always lingered.

Eventually it was the right medication that finally made you quiet again...your presence a mere haunting of what you once were. Occasionally your ghosts still taunt me, but this time I have an army to fight you with.

My support system only got bigger and stronger when I finally decided to expose you. And with them I am fearless, and logical, and free.

I still hate you, and I still don't know how to get rid of you...but now I know how to live with you.

You tried to break me and you nearly succeeded. But when I finally decided that enough was enough, it was you who lost the war. The fog was lifted and I remembered how beautiful life could be if I embraced it. So I did.

I did the things I wanted to do because I finally had no fear to do them. My career moved forward, my social circle opened, my memories became rich with adventures, and I fell in love.

You still test me on random occasions, and it hits me sometimes harder than it used to...but each time I win. The more bricks you throw at me, the stronger I become. Even if it takes some time, I can recognize when I'm letting you take over and I'm able to release you.

You will likely never go away, and I've learned to accept that. You will always be there lurking in the shadows, waiting for a moment of weakness from me. But you don't scare me anymore, because now I can prepare for your strikes.

I have a soft heart and big emotions that are hard to hide. Many would see that as a flaw, but in this harsh world - I see it as courage. I can finally be who I am and face the things that once crippled me. I don't want to miss out on any more because of you. I will live in spite of you and I will flourish just because you told me I couldn't.

My years with you have changed my life. I lost friends, made some enemies, learned some lessons, quit things, started things...all of it made me a better person. So if for nothing else, I thank you for that. I'm proud of where I am today—and it's because I had it in me to finally hit you back.

Sincerely,

Unbreakable