Darkness

Yesterday was a hard day, one of the darkest days I've had in years. I've faced intrusive thoughts for most of my life but yesterday I came face to face with them in a way I haven't before mid-dissociation, I was coming out of a fog and there they were telling me I should just end it. I looked at my cat Princess and the sleeping dog at my feet Margeaux and in that moment there soft breathing and stretching jerked me out of those thoughts because how could I leave them?

My mind didn't travel to my family and friends until later because at that one moment they were not there. They weren't present. They were not there with me in the darkness - those two precious fur babies were.

I felt the most alone in this battle that I'm facing yesterday because on the worst day I was alone. When I could feel myself start to slip, I reached out to a few people but I didn't want to disturb them because that's what I feel like I'm doing. I'm ruining someone's day, I'm a problem that needs to be fixed. Sometimes I feel like parts of the support system that I have were not meant to weather this storm with me. That I can't lean on them for support because they're not strong enough or they're just not capable of sharing this weight with me. Yet they want me to come to them when afterwards I feel worse instead of better. I feel like there's more weight placed upon my shoulders and after those talks I'm drowning.

I don't need ultimatums. I don't need to be backed into a corner. I don't need nor do I want that. You can't force someone to do something that you think will help them. You can't force someone to tell you everything going on in there head or manipulate them into talking. You can't tell them that they're shutting you out when they're trying just because they don't want to speak certain things out loud. Did you know that sometimes speaking those things out loud can do more harm then good? You can't tell them that you're there but not have the patience to deal with the thought process or pauses that come with talking about what's going on. You can't say that the conversation is going nowhere fast when you're trying to force things upon them that they're not ready for.

Those things...all of them can cause the spiral to get worse. That can cause someone to no longer view you as part of their support system. You are no longer a safe space. You can't speed up someone's healing to match what you need or want. There are days where getting out of bed is hard, making sure that you eat is hard, taking a shower is hard work - all of these things are huge feats that they're overcoming but yet you're making them sound like small feats and that they should be doing more. You're getting upset with them because they're not where you think they should be.

I survived one of my worst days. I survived it with the help of my group, a good friend, the animals and myself. I survived without the support of one of the people I needed most. I'm not bashing or upset with that person. I just wish they understood that what they did wasn't the kind of support I needed. That what they said made me feel worse instead of better. It made me feel more alone in this than I have in a long time but I survived it.