Life, it's both amazing and incredibly cruel. Some of the most amazing memories I have had have been with my best friend, just walking in the woods, taking in the air, the freedom. The intense moments are often free of cost, certainly financially. Life is best spent with those who truly care about you, those people who would do anything for you without the any strings attached, no favours, no "I'll do this, if you do that" business. However, life doesn't come without its costs, the mourning of a loved one, financial loses, the irrational hatred to another person or animal, just because they are different.
Let me take you back many years ago. Its the early 90's, I'm about eight years old, the sun is shinning, the air is mild, the atmosphere is amazing. Not a care in the world, no need to worry about all those grown-up things. A time when we could enjoy being ourselves, have fun and the only limitation that we had was our imagination. Now I will take you forward six years. I'm in high school, I didn't get bullied or beaten up, I had good friends but, there was something a little darker about these times, even though I was still happy and a little care free. This is the time when we feel we need to fit in, no one really forces us, we just see the other children, in their groups, popularity and useable. My teachers weren't bad, they were helpful and encouraging. However, it's amazing with this kind of encouragement at school, good friends and not being bullied, you would have thought it would be a perfect environment for a kid to progress. Not so in my case, the lack of encouragement from my parents and living in a rough council estate really took it's toll. I have barely any good memories at all from this period of my existence, as I spent a lot of my time avoiding conflict, doing tasks for my family, trying to keep the quiet life, which ironically of course my life was far from peaceful. Nothing ever seemed good enough for my parents, they themselves had achieved less than nothing but, still being the oldest of their children, I had responsibilities.
Imagine being a fourteen year old boy, accused of being gay by his father because, I didn't have a girlfriend, nor did I want one. I was more concerned with my grades, than I was chasing girls. It made no difference that I was in fact not gay, still the name calling from someone who should protect you and care for you. The shock of the words coming from the same man who you used to go for walks with, through fields with your pet dog. Nothing could add up. I look back on this as a young man and realise, it was fear that caused him to be this way. The fear of me being bullied, hurt or like some poor souls, killed for nothing more than being different, unusual.
It was very difficult to live with at times. My only escape during these times was my friends, playing on games consoles, football and generally relaxing. one thing I had learned by this point was, family and the meaning of it. Family isn't about blood relations but, the caring and connectivity yo have with a person or persons, that could be a brother, mother, best friend or your partner.
Somehow our emotions allow us to understand without explanation, this is the light side of life, the part of life we try our best to keep memories of, to enjoy, reminisce of lost times that one day we hope we regain.
Sadly, the dark side of life often clouds our minds, creating so much haze, chaos and delusion that we often forget what goods times feel like. Like a dark veil position over us, preventing us from seeing what is or was there, like the simplest of things or clouding our judgement and preventing us from seeing those who are here to help, love and care for us. It's hard not to allow this burden bringer to take control, even with the best medication and support, it always feels too strong to fight off, other times it just takes us by surprise.