Cycling

I am a single mom. I had my first child at the age of 20. Being a parent can be difficult for someone in their 30's, so being only 20 and being a mother was daunting. I was so afraid that I would not be a good mother. The negative thoughts nearly consumed me. On paper, I was an awesome mom. I had a well paying full time job. I was college educated. I had gone out and bought a car a month before giving birth. I signed the lease to an apartment when my daughter was just 11 days old. Life appeared good on the outside. I was on maternity leave for 12 weeks. I enjoyed the time with my baby.

I go back to work like I am supposed to. The thoughts come back. They return with a vengeance. My brain is once again being consistently bombarded with thoughts and feelings of inadequacy.

"You need to make more money for your daughter."

"She depends on you."

"You need to be a good role model for her."

As a result, I began to distance myself from my baby. I never abused or neglected her, my interactions just seemed to become mechanical. I remember coming home from work everyday and doing any and everything but holding my child. What new mom doesn't want to immediately grab her baby after being away for over 8 hours? I would just come in the house, put my things down and go straight into the kitchen. I would cook some food for her and me, I would clean the house, maybe take a shower, take out clothes for work and THEN pick up the baby. My daughters dad lived with me in the beginning. He didn't have a regular job (he made money though if you know what I mean), so he would be at home with our daughter while I went to work. I cried a lot. After a few months, my daughters dad grew tired of being confined to the house. He still would stay home so I could work, but when I got home, things were not the same. I used to come home to a relatively clean home and a clean, fed baby. Now, the house would be messy. I'd be lucky if she had on a clean diaper. He started meeting me at the door with the baby. He passed her off to me like a football, took my car keys and hauled ass out the door. This was the new everyday norm.

More stress and less help. That led to more tears and less bonding. I would put her in her swing or bouncer as I cleaned and cried. I told no one, well, nobody close to me anyway. I was working at a multi-specialty clinic at the time. There was a psychiatrist there. I expressed my issues and was put on Zoloft. The Zoloft helped in that I was no longer sad or in a depressed state., but I wasn't happy either. I just...was. The pills made me indifferent. I was on auto-pilot. Let me stress this again: I NEVER HURT OR NEGLECTED MY BABY during this time. I stopped taking the pills. I came out of the "fog". It was like a flip switched inside of me. All of a sudden, I was complete love with my daughter. I never wanted to put her down...and I never did!

Ladies, it is totally ok to need help. So many of us mothers suffer in silence. Our children need us. We cannot properly care for them if we do not properly care for ourselves. Be awesome mamas!!!