Something I haven't talked about is the mess my house is in right now.
I mentioned that my ex and I had bought a house together in 2015. Well before he decided to leave me in 2019 he smashed the kitchen apart. He was intending on putting a new one in but he didn't do it before he left.
The house was already in a state of disrepair because of the depression I was going through at the time. If you've read my other blogs, you'll know I was in a really bad way and I had attempted suicide.
Eleven months later and I'm still struggling to deal with it. The house has become a trigger and I have a breakdown when it's bought up.
I have been trying so hard to get it sorted. My parents, in an effort to be supportive have just been shouting at me about it and making the anxiety worse. I'd pretty much done one floor, I'd emptied, cleaned and tidied it with the help of a couple of my friends. When we'd finished that I started to feel a little bit better.
But my parents went to see it and began shouting that it wasn't good enough. They weren't happy with the standard it was done to.
Before this conversation I was proud of myself for managing to deal with it and making it look like a normal house. Now I feel like I'm not good enough again and I'm back at the beginning.
The friends that helped me fix it up said it was of a reasonable standard but this whole thing with my parents has just put me back at square one and it is suffocating me again.
You probably wonder why I haven't just told them to step off. Well my Dad is supposed to be fitting the kitchen and that is something I couldn't do by myself.
Honestly, I just want to sleep. I am so stressed and so tired. I either want them to just do the kitchen and the building bits I can't do or just take the whole thing because I can't deal. I tried my best to overcome the crippling anxiety and then I was just told I'm doing it wrong.
What's the point in me even trying if I'll never be good enough?
Do they realise how hard it is for me to deal with any of this?
Do they understand that I already feel like a huge failure and it was hard enough for me to ask for help?
I wouldn't let anyone in that house for months because I was embarrassed of the mess and it was hard. I just want it all gone because I'm not coping at the moment. I don't even know where to start.
This is all just too much.
I know I usually try to end my blogs with something positive but I don't have the energy to put a spin on this right now. I'm not doing okay. I'm so tired and I just want this whole house thing to be over so I can move on with my life.
Sorry for making this one big downward spiral.
Maybe writing about it will release the bad energy and I'll be able to clear my head enough to get through this week. My parents have demanded that the house be finished this week or they won't help me with the kitchen. I'm all alone. I don't know where to start and I am completely overwhelmed.
Can someone just come and tell me what to do please? I now also have a crippling fear that whatever I do will be completely wrong.