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Crazy Creativity - A Women's Journey

by Beth (Halo) Hanson about a year ago in selfcare
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Is it really in us to be creative? Or is it for some and not for others?

The answer to both of these questions is no. Because we don’t pull out creativity, we find creativity. It’s a combination of what surrounds us and our own soul’s unique interpretation and expression of what we receive from our environment. It, indeed, is in all of us. It is much easier to look at others on social media and get distracted by what others are producing rather than creating ourselves. Rather than discover ourselves.

I got my first iPhone when I was 12 years old, and it kept me awake all night and depressed all day. It allowed instant access to validation and communication, something I wasn’t getting from my family at home.

Now when I find myself lonely, angry or sad, I choose creativity first. Whether that’s doodling, going for a walk, making myself something delicious to eat. I rely on myself to create happiness. If I find myself using social media, I intend to share my authentic love with others so that they can find their bliss too.

It can feel impossible to stop checking your phone immediately upon rising. To this day, I find myself often waking up with both my phone and tablet in my bed with me. However, I’ll always try my best to do something creative before interacting with or taking in information from anyone else. The morning is my time. I suggest you do the same.

Try being curious about yourself, allow this time, just 5 or 10 minutes even, to just be yourself without anything or anyone else. Suppose meditation is not your thing. You can pick up a pen and pencil, or even just sit yourself up to stare out the window, then make yourself the most luxurious of breakfasts. What do you enjoy doing? It’s a great question to ask yourself.

Remember that you’re not hurting anyone by taking time for yourself. If you hear that voice in your head telling you you’re not worthy of doing the things you love. That is your ego talking; allow the agent to be there. See if you can practice not listening to it. See if you can hear your soul speaking too. Know that one day, you’ll start to bring your soul’s voice out into the world. I can tell you from experience; it’s not how loud you scream; it’s how authentically you can communicate. You have to find your voice to be heard.

There’s a natural communication that begins to occur between your true self and the world the more you give yourself opportunities for these time outs. I find the morning the most comfortable time to commune with myself. Especially in the early hours, when everyone else is still asleep. In this time, you may find a deeper connection to your body. You will notice maybe aches and pain you weren’t aware of before; you may find certain foods you thought you liked, you don’t have a taste for anymore, you may find yourself wanting to drink more water and eat more veggies. If you think I’m crazy, try it for a month, every morning, Giving yourself time to reflect and contemplate before doing anything else.

I highly suggest journaling. It is much like meditation, but it can be easier for the overactive mind, which has a tough time sitting still. By writing, you are slowing down your thoughts, allowing your mind to process more effectively, and come up with solutions and resolutions to the emotions you may be feeling. You will discover your values, what matters to you.

What makes you happy and fulfilled in life? I’ve found that all I need is a strong sense of belonging and healthy relationships. Love.

“Unconditional love exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It’s not ‘I love you’ for this or that reason, not ‘I love you if you love me.’ It’s love for no reason, love without an object.”

-Ram Dass

We’re all on our paths of learning. We are all learning and waking up because we must live in harmony with nature, not against it, to survive on our planet.

We all crave love and connection. Ram das talked a lot about loving nature. But if you don’t like animals, or you don’t like swimming in the ocean. Suppose you prefer to spend your life in an office building. That doesn’t mean you aren’t living in nature, according to Ram Das.

In my third year of University, the teachers went on strike. I had months of free time and had just returned from a trip to Europe for two and a half months with my boyfriend. We broke up soon after our return. During this time, I decided to stay with my family for about a month in North Vancouver. It was my first time living with them again in four years. During this time, I was also beginning to experiment with micro-dosing mushrooms. My biggest fear was about expressing myself and my creativity around them. I did not want them to think I was crazy. Fear keeps us hidden from love. If we can not express ourselves, we can not love ourselves or others. In a state of fear of judgement, we become more critical of ourselves and others. I don’t want to advocate using drugs because I do not feel it necessary for spiritual or personal development. The use of psychedelics these days is also so prevalent and is harmful to a sensitive or delicate mind. I ended up being hospitalized and institutionalized at one point in my life. And drugs played a significant role. More on this later. However, one thing mushrooms certainly taught me during this time, technology is boring! There’s a whole world of magic and mystery in the real world. By the real world, I do mean nature in the most basic sense. The trees, the animals, human expression and emotion. A cup of tea in the morning with cream and honey. The sensation of grass underneath your bare feet.

I learned from my yoga practice, the art of mindfulness and the fact that you can’t solve problems by thinking harder. You solve problems by softening and letting go of the outcome. Writing, for the sake of writing, with no plan or promise to show anyone else, allows for this softening and letting go. From there, space appears for there to be a different path forward. Like when the tidal wave comes and washing out the beach, the streams choose a new way down to the beach. Writing in a journal for merely writing is like allowing yourself a new path to walk in your mind. Water will always choose the path of less resistance. You will find you do too in your journal. Hopefully, you may learn to follow the path of least resistance in your life as well.

My parents always seemed to tell me, don’t worry, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s a nice sentiment, but not precisely effective phrasing. Teaching yoga has taught me instead to tell myself, ‘let go; everything will unfold in time; you are always exactly where you need to be.’ Visual art in the form of doodling, or finger painting, is a beautiful way to practice letting go. When I host get-togethers, I’ll often have my friends try to draw something for themselves.

“It’s just for fun, don’t have a plan, just draw,” I will tell them, handing them paper and whatever colour drawing utensil they request. Some of my friends get nervous and have a hard time picking a colour. Often, they get frustrated when it doesn’t work the way they expect it to. But eventually, they all come up with something. I am impressed. And they are visibly proud of their work. They have crossed a bridge clouded in fog with trolls telling you that if you travel, you will be ridiculed and tormented and that ultimately, they will never let you pass. And another voice in your head says that there is a whole world with plants and flowers and beautiful scenery, there will be no fog on the other side—their happiness. We can do this by simply creating. Just make something, and your brain will make dopamine. The neurochemical is responsible for feelings of reward and satisfaction. When I began to bring my yoga practice off of my mat and into my daily life, it was easy for me to notice this natural satisfaction that I would derive from having completed something. I also noticed the lack of happiness and the gripping of desire from the overuse of social media. So why did I feel guilty for doing the things I loved to do?

I believe I had mother culture’s voice too strongly in my head: a cycle that persists, the more time spent scrolling the news feed.

Hearing this voice but not listening to it, I began to tell myself instead, I am beautiful, I am brave, I am here to do what I love to do, what you want to do is calling you too.

One challenge. Sex. What I often want is sex. For that, I’ve felt guilty, dirty, wrong. But what if we change our perspective.

In the same way, we need food, air, and water; we also need touch. What if intimacy is just a meal of oxytocin and companionship? Not something to feel guilty over. Sexual healing can be medicine. Finding a person you can feel safe with is profoundly healing, especially for someone who has a hard time feeling safe. Often, I’ve noticed all I want is to sit on the floor and laugh with my friends. I was getting high on friendship and love.

I would say that I have an addictive personality -- always consuming, a poly addict of sorts. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. As a kid, I sucked on my fingers to help soothe myself. I loved sugar and caffeine from the day I was old enough to clarify how much I liked it. I was addicted to exercise and weight loss. I’ve was addicted to unhealthy relationships, weed, cigarettes.

I met my twin flame while living in Tofino for a year; he could have easily been my twin, a perfect mirror to my own life and soul. He reminded me that we always know when the addiction has gone too far. It’s true. Addiction is a spiritual decision. We either choose our unhealthy habits or decide what is best for life, which is always health.

The person who takes pleasure and frequently engages in acts of violence, whether against oneself or others, is missing out. Mindfulness shows us this selfish pleasure comes from the excitement that feels gripping rather than an openness, which is calm and soothing. One can not continue to act in a harmful way without recognizing one’s actions’ as being immoral and the cause of suffering.

We can replace this selfish desire for pleasure with creativity, creating our reward without external sources, i.e., people, objects, substances or activities. We can also produce our pleasure by experiencing our world around us and falling in love with our environment and ourselves just as they are, without feeling a need to change ourselves or others. It’s normal to feel doubtful, allow the doubt, and begin to experience trust. The proof is in the pudding, so give it a shot.

I learned many valuable lessons from my grandmother. Who passed away with dementia. She lived a traumatic life. She was a very smart woman, she was ahead of her time in terms of understanding psychology and her connection to nature and the planets health. I’ve heard rumours that she was acquainted with the other great philosophers of her time Alan Watts, Timothy Leary and Ram Dass. She could never conquer her abhinivesah (fear) and was always clinging to life. I learned from her that fear kills life and love. I’ve made it my own mission to conquer fear and see all life, pain and suffering as beautiful, to live in a state of love instead. It is hard to feel afraid when living in the moment. Although things may frighten us, those events don’t last very long. Most of our fears live in the past or the future.

selfcare

About the author

Beth (Halo) Hanson

Visonary painter, Realist writer

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