Coping with eating disorder during lockdown
A day by day struggle to fight my enemy
This is a time in our life that none of us will ever forget; we are all facing so many challenges, as individuals and as a society. For me this lockdown brought some new challenges and struggles, but also many old ghost from the past have found a place in my daily life again. From struggling to stay motivated to continue with my studies and regular exercise, to my struggle with a constant companion in my life - my eating disorder.
I do not remember my life before my struggle with an eating disorder, it has been my companion since my early teenage years. There have been many ups and downs and I was really happy that in the last three years, after talking to a therapist and working on my self- esteem, I have somehow managed to take more control over it and didn't let it control me so much anymore.
But with the current lockdown situation, the ghost from the past came back to haunt me again. This lockdown is not only challenging us all as a society, but each one of us is facing different difficulties and struggles and this time we don't have any other option than to face the demons on our own. For the first couple of weeks of the lockdown, I was able to keep myself motivated; I stayed on track with my fitness and diet routine, I was highly motivated to complete all assignments we have been given and that kept me from thinking about my inner demons. But then a week passed, then two and three... With each day, my motivation started to decrease. Those demons started to crawl back and took over. Everyday I felt like I was losing control over myself a little more and I slowly started falling back into the trap; food again became my greatest enemy, my self-esteem has despaired, the anxiety and the guilt were in control of every single moment of my day and each morning I felt like I am walking into a battlefield again. There were days where I would barely got out of bed, I spent hours crying, hating myself for falling into that trap again, but at the same time feeling so helpless that I felt like turning to food for comfort was the only option I have. Looking myself in the mirror felt like torture, I once again forgot that your body is something you should be kind to. You have no right to hate it! There is nothing wrong with it, it’s beautiful just the way it is.
For now, we don't know how long this lockdown will last, but will I wait until then in order to take back the control over my life and health? No, I can't wait that long, I can't fall back completely, because I know how long it took me the first time to pick myself back up. And this time something is different - I'm a much stronger person than I used to be. Even if I sometimes can't see it. So I'm willing to fight these demons with every fibre of my being. I try to make my days as busy as possible, I occupy my time and I talk to the people I know care a lot about me and most importantly... I try to be kind to myself and don’t punish myself for little slips. I try to listen to my body and give it what it needs and what it deserves. So to all of you out there who might be facing similar demons, please remember that you are not alone. Even if we are apart, we are still together in spirit and we will get through this battle together.