Coping with Alcoholism
You can't save everyone, no matter how you try
Being in any type of relationship with an alcoholic or an addict is just hard for everyone involved. You want and try so hard to save this person from their self-destructive ways.
However, try as you might, beg, plead, cry, or threaten, it all comes down to just one thing. You cannot help or save someone who doesn't want to be helped or saved.
I have had over three decades of experience on this subject. My husband, when we married, was not really much of a drinker. We were young, and did engage in weekend social drinking, but for the most part nothing too crazy.
He did, however, enjoy smoking weed. We passed a decade of marriage and that is when things began to change. My hard working husband and father to my two young daughters began staying out later and later on work nights. He began going to bars every night and socializing with a questionable crowd.
The drinking began escalating and was starting to become an issue. To my horror, I discovered that he was also hooked on cocaine and was spending a massive amount of cash to support his habits.
Things took a nasty turn and after many arguments he finally saw the light, or at least, I had thought so. He did kick his coke habit, but then the drinking got even more out of control.
Following the birth of our third child, a son, he totally derailed. There have been numerous arrests for DUIs, driving under suspensions, drunk and disorderly, and several trips to the hospital.
He has been diagnosed as an alcoholic; he has liver, pancreas, and digestive issues, as well as being bipolar. He experienced a near death situation earlier this year when he stopped breathing at the hospital ER.
Despite it all, he drinks at least a fifth of vodka a day, has an addiction to snorting painkillers, and his brain is turning to mush. I see the changes and he forgets things, repeats himself, and gets a crazed look about him.
Just a couple of months ago he called me in the middle of the night saying he was walking home and was lost. We live five blocks from the bar he frequents, and it is a straight shot.
He had stumbled and veered off the road and kept going. He wanted me to find him, but I refused. I know it sounds cold-hearted; but for those who have never dealt with an alcoholic or addict you would not understand.
Deep in my heart, I know his brain is going fast. He turned from a sweet, loving husband and father to a hateful, bitter, and nasty man. He talks to me with the worse tone and language and could care less if he makes a scene.
He also does not care if he sees his now-grown children and grandchildren. He comes home from work (when he works) and sits in the garage all night smoking and drinking and who knows what else. This is unless he leaves and goes to the bar.
This is daily. He is so full of hate and rage it is sad. He shows no joy in anything. I honestly feel it is just a matter of time; and it will be sooner rather than later before he loses control completely, and has to be placed in a home for round the clock care.
I just don't know how much longer I can deal with the drunken outbursts, the personality changes, and the constant drama and humilation he brings to the family.
I feel he has already passed the point of no return, and each day I dread I will find him dead somewhere in the house. It is a lot of stress on me. I just do not have it in me to deal with him much longer; it is just too toxic to my health and soul.
Do I wish him harm, no, I use to just wish he would see the light and change. Now I find myself just wishing for my own peace. I also know that through all my bad experiences with him, I also just wish him to find the peace and happiness that he is searching for, but cannot find, inside any liquor bottle or handful of pills.
Again, I have offered more support and help than a lot of people could ever muster. There just comes a time to give in to reality, and for me, that reality is rapidly approaching.
For anyone else who is dealing with these types of situations, my heart goes out to you also. Go through your days just knowing we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it, no matter what we do.